Killing Swans

Chapter 25 - Protective boyfriend

Present 

It has been a few weeks since I joined the company now and it was neither good nor bad. Rehearsals were going just fine, even though they were very much exhausting me, but slowly the choreography was getting better, but that only increased James's level of stress. In a little over a month it would be Christmas and therefore the premiere of our Nutcracker. It would be my first one at this house and I was very much looking forward to it, to be dancing with Milo on stage and feel that same easy lightness I had always felt when my class would perform something. I loved it and needed to feel that now more than ever. 

Milo and I had stayed friends and nothing more, which was good and...safe. I mean, he was very nice and the urge to sometimes get closer to him was undeniably there, but the fear of what would happen if I did, successfully held me back. So we were just friends, but that was ok. I needed a friend and Milo was that for me. I mean, I stayed friends with Adrian, Chloe, Soo and Thomas as well, but we didn't really hang out, mostly because rehearsals were kicking our asses and Josh would have not liked me spending so much time with other people and especially without him. So I always went home after practice, like the good boyfriend that I was. 

Josh...hadn't been good nor bad. He had slapped me a few times these past few weeks and yelled at me his fair share, but at least he hadn't beaten me up. But that was mostly thanks to the fact that we barely saw each other. I would come home late from rehearsals and sometimes Josh would get home even later, so neither one of us had the energy to argue that much. It was still fucking scary when he would push me against the wall and yell at me and then slap me or kick me. But at least he wouldn't hurt me until my body was covered in bruises that I couldn't hide. So I guess it was...fine?

He and Milo had been getting along though. I mean, they didn't hang out, especially not without me, but Josh did manage to get Milo's sister a job and so we were invited to dinner at his place, as a thank you. I had never been to Milo's before, but it was...kind of just how I had imagined it to be. It was full with plants, like, my boy really loved plants. He had a cat, so that's how I spend the whole evening, just sitting on the sofa with the cat in my lap, feeling happiness and overpowering joy for the first time in months. I fucking loved cats. And her name was Strudels so I already loved her more. She was so cuddly! 

Anyway, the walls were bright yellow and it felt really homey here. It was a small apartment, but stuffed to the brim with art, memories, pictures, plants, books...it just screamed Milo to me. Josh was so out of place here with the suit he still wore thanks to just coming out of his office, but even with him there I felt...safe. Milo made us some enchiladas and they were honestly to die for. But it still bugged me how well Josh and Milo got along...I wouldn't call them friends, but just the fact that they could talk to each other so effortlessly and even had a laugh once in a while made me retreat inside my head completely. I basically didn't say a thing again the whole evening and just spend some time with Strudels. At least she didn't seem to like Josh...

But I couldn't blame Milo for getting along with my boyfriend, after all, I had just as much fallen for his charm as everybody else. And I still did, unfortunately. I knew I shouldn't feel happy when from time to time Josh would put his arm around me and tell me that he loved me or when he would make me tea or say that I was the prettiest person alive...but I just did. I loved when he acted like a boyfriend and I fell for it every time. Because I was so desperate for any kind of affection, that I even took it from the one who was...who was....Yeah I couldn't say it. I knew what he was doing, I knew what kind of relationship this was, but I never even brought myself to think it before. Because that would make it too real, too scary. And less about love. 

But I knew that one day I could be free...when I would have paid off my dept with Josh, then he would have no use to keep me around and he would toss me aside and into freedom. And though that was one fucking scary thought, it was the one that kept me alive, kept me hoping and kept me sane when he was hurting me to a point where I would just rather stop breathing than feeling any of this. It made me pull through it all, the thought that one day I could live a life without Josh by my side and I couldn't wait for it to start. It gave me hope in these dark times and that was the only reason I could get up at five am, after not having slept at all to train for hours on end and probably not even eat much in between.