Killing Swans

Chapter 30 - Breaking Free

Past 

It took a few weeks to prepare. At first I smuggled one of my shirts with me in my sports bag and into the studio where I practiced every day and hid it there in my locker, telling Josh about how the dry-cleaner must have lost it. Then a pair of pants and a some underwear. I wanted to buy most of my belongings new when I would get to my new life, even with the little bit of money that I had, just to not make Josh suspicious, but I needed just another pair of clothing to get through the long and complicated journey that I had planned. 

I didn't buy any of the tickets ahead, I needed to make most of the decisions spontaneously, maybe I could walk a few miles even or buy a bicycle and ride it. Yes that was how ridiculous my plans were getting, but I was just very paranoid. I needed to get out of here before I would be killed or kill myself, I just needed to get into freedom and I would find it soon. Just a few more days, just a little bit more money and I was ready. I was ready to leave all of this behind, my old life where nobody loved me, where nobody cared for me and I would start a new one...yes, that was the plan. 

I had started to safe up some money through Josh handing me a bill every now and then to get something I needed, so I had some cash hidden away behind a loose tile in the bathroom, where Josh couldn't find it. Sometimes he would give me twenty bucks to buy myself some lunch when I was training and then I simply didn't eat anything and put the bill away later at home when Josh wasn't there yet or when I said I was taking a shower. Sometimes he would simply hand me a hundred dollar bill to get groceries, since he didn't have any idea how much things really cost, I just got the cheapest things and then put the rest away in my stash. 

All in all I had about 478 dollars saved. Which meant I only had to get 22 more, since my budget should be five hundred dollar. I knew that it wasn't a lot and I would probably spend most of it on the train or bus tickets, but I needed to leave as soon as possible, I just couldn't take it anymore. Any time Josh had hit me in the past few weeks or told me what a worthless piece of shit I was or even beaten me and raped me...well the only thing that made me want to keep going, that made me pull through it all was knowing that I would get out of there soon. Just a little longer, just a few missed lunches longer and I would be free. I just couldn't do this anymore, I needed to try and fight, even if it was the scariest thing I would ever have to do. Ever. 

And so that amount just had to be enough. My hope was, that I would be able to get a job in Mexico as soon as possible and then things would be easier, but I would rather starve or even sell myself out than to live on like this. I also had a few items on me that I could sell in case of an emergency, like my expensive watch, my designer clothes, my phone...I couldn't sell them now, Josh would definitely get suspicious if I would lose my expensive belongings that he had given to me as a present whenever he had fucked up, he would know something was up, but maybe if I was in need of food, I could sell this in Mexico and then survive. That was the plan. 

"Hey Henry, can you run to the store and get me some gin? Thanks babe, I appreciate it" Josh said, without even looking at me. His hand was lifted into the air and he held a folded bill between his fingers, as he scrolled through his phone. Yeah yeah the little errand boy could do that, am I right? But I would never complain, that would land me a punch in the face for sure. I had just returned home from a long day of training to keep my body fit, I needed it now more than ever, but of course I should get him something now, not that he cared how I felt. "Sure" I  smiled, walking over to him and taking the bill out of his hand without looking at it. 

I took my coat and left the apartment, after giving Josh a goodbye kiss. He was a little nicer or maybe well just ok today, since he had slapped me just this morning for making his coffee too hot. Well not for that, he had yelled at me for making it too hot, but when I said that he had made it himself, not me, he slapped me. He told me that I shouldn't be such a know it all, it wasn't attractive. So at least he wasn't in such a bad mood, but the fact that he planned on getting drunk tonight or at least drinking some wasn't very comforting to me, because his temper got really out of hand whenever he was drinking or he was an emotional mess and wanted me to love him and yeah...I was not in the mood for either of those things today, but what can you do?