Killing Swans

Chapter 22 - Can't live on

Past 

I didn't feel like moving anymore. I didn't feel like breathing or thinking anymore. Actually, I didn't feel like living anymore. I know that sounds dark and I used to think I had an unbreakable spirt and love for life but now...now it was simply true. Death didn't seem all so scary anymore, it just seemed necessary. I didn't think about taking my own life...well not too much, but I didn't actually consider doing it. But why couldn't death free me from this situation? I was stuck in a home where I wasn't wanted or loved, in a relationship that hurt me more than it gave me happiness and a life filled with loneliness and pain. How did I let this happen? Was it all my fault? Was this my doing? 

I remembered hearing obnoxious people on the internet say, that you make your own fate. Like if life gives you lemons, make some lemonade. Was this my doing? Did I take the lemons and choked on them? Did I leave them out in the sun to attract worms and let them mould away in front of my eyes? Had I done all of this by free will? I didn't know what to believe anymore, I just knew, that I never planned to live like this. If it would have gone after me and what I wanted, I would still live with my parents and my brother, have my best friend and have a boyfriend that didn't want to hurt me so much he would leave scars. How was this all my fault? I didn't know, I just knew that somehow it was. 

Because life hadn't gotten much easier with Josh I just...slowly got used to it. I didn't like it and every hit hurt more than the one before, every yell killed me a little more, but I learned how to live with it, somehow. I learned how to dance, even if my whole body hurt more than it usually did. I learned how to cover up scars and bruises properly and what lies to tell in case they were discovered. I learned how to love Josh, even if not an hour ago he would kick me in the stomach until I would throw up. I learned how to please him even if I didn't want to, but I knew it would save me a few hits sometimes. I basically learned how to live like this. Live in this hell. 

I always felt bad when thinking that. Because it was a hell, but a hell I chose and deserved. And I mean, sometimes Josh was still the sweetheart I fell in love with. The guy who made it possible for me to continue my education, the guy who made me tea when I wasn't feeling well or who made sure I didn't have to walk to my destination. He was a good guy, but only sometimes...and maybe he was right. I should be happy that I had him, because who else would want me? I only made trouble, how did I ever think that I could get with any guy, I wanted at least for one night? I couldn't even make my boyfriend happy and yes...yes it wasn't my responsibility to change everything about myself and to walk on eggshells around him, just so he was happy, but sometimes it was hard to remember that. 

So I had to stay with Josh, for now, even if it hurt. But it was hard. It was hard to keep on living if I was being honest. I didn't sleep, I trained all day and when I got home I lived in fear of the next hit, the next fight or something worse. I didn't have a lot of energy left in me, all of that had transformed itself into pure pain, that was ripping me apart and there was no way out, no way to change that. I hated my life, my choices and the ones who had betrayed me. But most of all I hated myself. I hated myself so god damn much, honestly...I did nothing but bring trouble, I was such a fucking idiot. I hated myself and I felt like every time Josh hit me, it was a deserved punishment, but it didn't make me feel any better, only worse. 

I wanted the pain to go away, even if just for one minute, but it never did, it was something I carried around with me everywhere I went, even if Josh wasn't hurting me, there was a pain in my heart that just never went away. For a moment dancing really helped. When I pushed myself until I almost fainted of exhaustion, then I wasn't in too much emotional pain, it was ok, for just a moment. But one night, that wasn't enough anymore.

"Josh, please, please believe me, I didn't mean to say that, please stay!!" I pleaded as Josh stormed towards the door. Yes we were fighting again, what else is new. It just came out of nothing. I think Josh just didn't like the weather today and told me to chew more quietly and then he told me everything that was wrong with me and well, I just said that he wasn't perfect either.