Killing Swans

Chapter 12 - Trouble in Paradise

Past

Josh and I fought. A lot. 

It was always the same. One moment, everything was alright and then the smallest things would lead to a loud and big fight. Neither one of us meant for it to happen, but we were always on the edge and easily annoyed due to our constant fighting. It was a vicious circle. First, everything was fine. We would just be together, mostly in silence and slowly the tension would build up. And then the smallest things, like Josh not putting his dishes in the dishwasher, but the sink, would lead to a huge fight, where we would unpack everything, calling each other by awful names, until we both cried and then had make up sex and then everything was ok again. Until it wasn't again. 

It was always the same and that for about three or four weeks now. At first, our fights were about actually big stuff, like the fact that Josh was still jealous of Toby and thought I tried to respect that and hang out with him as little as possible, it didn't changed the fact, that we were still dance partners. Josh would get easily jealous, even with other guys and got a little bit controlling. I mean, he didn't mean to do so, sometimes I really did provoke him and it made him upset, the thought of losing me. I understood that, I really did and I didn't want to lose him either, but he couldn't just be noisy about where I was all day or tell me who to hang out with. 

Luckily, that got better, the controlling part, after a while and me getting mad about it. He let me do my own thing, since I was my own person, but the big fights were still there. The main argument was basically, that Josh was afraid of losing me and that was why he wanted to control my life and who I hung out with. He didn't anymore, but he wanted to and it made him upset, when I went out with my friends or stuff. But he knew, that he was in the wrong here, so we didn't fight about that, but fled behind smaller arguments and let our anger and frustration for the other out that way. 

One time, we fought about a dirty bowl of cereal and who might have left it on the counter, so hard, that it ended with him throwing the bowl against the wall and me storming out and not coming back before the next day. But when I did, we were both so sorry again and apologized and then we had sex. So you could say, this relationship was turning a little difficult at the moment. I still loved Josh, with all my heart and he loved me too. Maybe that was why we fought all the time, because in the core, we loved each other so very much and were just afraid of getting hurt and left without the other. 

Because if you break our argument down to the core if it, Josh was just upset, because I didn't make him feel like I truly loved him and gave him the securing feeling, that he was not going to lose me anytime soon and I was upset, because the lack of trust Josh presented me with made me feel the same way he did. And we both knew, that that was why our fights always ended with us falling over each other and having rough sex, while we cried and promised that we loved the other person more than anything in the world. I loved that part...the part where we were just Josh and Henry again, two young people who were in love and just didn't know how to handle it yet. 

Maybe moving in so soon really was too much for us and our relationship and now what we could lose was even more than before, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I wanted to live with Josh, not only because other options would have been way worse, but because I truly liked waking up next to him every morning and returning home to see his face. Even if we fought, even if we called each other ugly names, because in the end, we were just in love and I guess that was what love looked like. That you care so much for the other person, it makes you go mad. 

But the fighting was draining my energy. In the end, we were always ok again, but you try coming home from 10 hours of training, just to scream and yell at somebody for another hour and then have sex for another two, if not all night long. Sometimes, we also didn't fight for days and everything was fine again. It wasn't like it was a constant up and down, but it was still hard. I was getting so afraid of the fights, just because I didn't like what I was feeling when Josh made me mad again, that I started going to ballet school at six am to start training early. Because I hated nothing more than fighting with Josh in the morning, so that I was in a depressed and angry state all day.