But i was alive -young Remus Lupin

in the dark

<ruth b.- dandelions>

He was so confused, angry and scared at the same time. She felt bad to realise the rumors were right: he looked almost mad. She zoned in again when she saw the jurors entering the room.

The jury was selected and the judge began to speak:
"Sirius Black, marked as Prisoner ᛈᛉ390, was found guilty for murdering 12 people and was condamned to a life in azkaban in 1980. Considering the new evidence, the case is reopened."

After the judge finished presenting the previos case to the jury, Theodora asked for a continuance.
"Court is adjoured until 10pm on October 5, when both the defendant and plantiff will be present, along with the jury. In the mean time, Petter Pettigrew will remain in the ministry's custody." the judge ended.

"Now we have some time, at least to start looking for witnesses" she thought. Then, she felt like someone was watching her. She turned and saw Sirius looking directly at her. The look in his eyes revealed the feeling he hadn't had for a long time: hope.

~a few minutes later, outside the ministry~

Remus and Theodora were both standing at the top of the stairs. She gave him a sweet look as he kept talking about how happy he was to see his friend. It was very rare for her to feel like that about someone. They started going down the gigantic staircase. After all, the building was quite towering. Elegant, if I may say. She felt the raindrops hitting softly her clothing. The sunlight that came from between two clouds embraced the softly. He could see the part of her collarbone from the base of her neck. He considered that bone to be one of her best feature. The thing you observed first when you looked at her.

"You love rain, don't you?" He asked with a shy smile.
"My favourite weather. Not the storms, but when it rains peacefully."

He watched her connecting with every drop that fell gently on her. He still couldn't belive this person who seemed sweet could be so cold and sarcastic. She changed so much when she was alone with him. She was showing him the nice and pure side of her soul.

The sparkle in her eyes dissapeard when thye met his. He lookd at her in a way no one did before. She knew what that meant. "No one would like me! You're too stupid to think HE would like someone like ME. He couldn't like my looks, that's for sure. He only likes the part of me that I show him. Even if he does, he'll change his mind as soon as he knows me. That's for sure. I better distance myself. Protect myself, or this is going to end the same way it always does. When they start getting close to me, they change their mind and leave. Also taking a part of my soul, that I'll never get back. I become too suffocating." It was true. She wasn't used to kindness. She wasn't loved like everyone else. That's why she didn't know how to show her love either. She chose to distance herself before she got feelings instead of screwing things up like she knew she would. It hurt so much, but at the end, her broken heart hurt more.
The smile on her face dissapeard. She became serious again.
"Let's go, or the files will get wet!" She started walking faster.

It took him a couple of seconds to keep up with her and realise what just happened. "What happened? She changed her mood so quick. Did I do something wrong?" He replayed those moments a thousand times in his mind, but he still couldn't figure out what the problem was.

She was so cold to him for the rest of the day. They went back to the castle and discussed a little about the first witnesses they had to bring. The trial was in two weeks. She told him most likely it was gonna be adjoured at least another 2 times. The jury would not hesitate to take their time and not hurry to make a decision. Plus, it was gonna be hard for all 12 to agree on that matter.

~later (1am)~

Her blood was rushing and she felt like she didn't have enough air. Pressure was rishing through the veins on her hands, like a destroying energy. She was like this for the past three hours, trying to calm herself. She had times like that: everything she tried to keep in bottled up was now overwelming her. It all menifested like un uncontrolable fear from a unknown source. Deep inside, she knew the reasons, but they were so many and so deep burried inside that the mind refused to remeber. First, she couldn't fall asleep, then she started crying, but stil feeling numb. After that, she started shaking and wanting to scream, but the tension that was trying to push everything back put pressure on her lungs, so she just breath and cried uncontrollably. The exchales were long, from the buttom of her lungs and the inhales were quick and small.

After another hour of both physical and psyhical pain, she crushed on the floor. Numb. Again. She felt her soul empty. After a few weeks, maybe a one or two months, it will be filled with fear, anger and every drop of pain would spill through her tears and desperate need for air.

She heard a knock at the door. Who could be? "Remus", she trought, "didn't I make it clear today that I don't want to be close friends with him anymore?"

She was now in front of the door. The wooden doorknob felt like death to her. Her face was all red and there wasn't enough foundation in the world to cover it. She didn't even bother to try.

"Yes?" She asked when she finally got the strength to open the door.
"I... I heard you crying from the hallway and I was concerned about you. What happened?"
She almost found his concern amusing. Why did he always need to be so nice? She wished she never opened the door.
"I'm alright." She said fermly.
"You don't seem like so. You know you can always talk to me."
"I know." She said trying to sound sarcastic.

She started closing the door. She couldn't make her intentions more clear. He grabbed the door, stopping her from closing it and said:
"What happened?" He was struggeling to hold his tears back. The last thing he wanted was for her to see him cry.

She hadn't realise how much she hurt him until now. She looked him in the eyes and sighted. This way, she showed him that she was sorry without having to say it. She gave up. She stepped back and allowed him to go in. Without thinking, put his armes around her and hugged her tight. It was just what she needed. She burried her face into his wool soft sweated and felt releaved. She felt something foreign. She felt safe.

After a couple of minutes of just staying like that, they decided to take a walk. It was raining, just like he knew she loved.
They were now on top of a hill, heading back to the lake. The sun was starting to rise. They waked for three hours in silence.

He understood she neded time to clear her mind and he offered her that. The simple fact that he was beside her was enough for him, knowing she wasn't alone. She didn't have to fall into that dark abis all by herself.