But i was alive -young Remus Lupin

the safe place

<A.M- I wanna be yours>

Author's note: I haven't been feeling well lately. You might have noticed because my story is a projection of my feelings. I just wanted to thank you all for the love and support. It really makes me feel better and your reads and votes are the only things that give me motivation to write more. If you've read this far, congrats! I don't think I would have enough patience to read something that starts like this. Thank you! And just a reminder: if you add my story to your reading list, I'll do the same for you. If you follow me, I'll follow back. If you boost my reads and votes, I will return the favour. If I don't do so, you can message me and remind me about it, because I have a lot of school work. Have a great day/night and I hope you'll enjoy my story!

You know how people need to feel safe in order to keep themselves balanced? Even if they don't realize it, everyone has an object, a memory or something that gives them comfort in the darkest times. And you don't realize how important that is, until you lose it. Until you are left without it, feeling alone, although you are surrounded by people. It's worse when it breaks: you feel broken in the same place, in the same way as that thing. If you are lucky enough, one or more of those people are going to become a pillar of support, replacing it for a little while, until you peer into something else. No matter how hard you try, you can't escape this vicious circle of dependence. It's human nature, they need something valid, something to motivate them not to fall into the dark.

Theodora gave Remus a shy gaze. She was too afraid for him to look into her eyes. No, not afraid of him. He was the only person that actually made her feel safe. She was scared of the discussion that was gonna come, of the affection and comfort he was going to give her, something she had no idea how to respond to. "he showed me kindness, like no one did before", she thought.

Now they were at the edge of the lake. She remembered about the time she wanted to fall in there and just drown. Disappear. Feel the cold water invading every part of her body, becoming one. Those were times when she wanted to end it all, but no one knew or will ever know. Not even Lupin. "Lupin", she thought, "what a beautiful name." The way the tip of her tongue curved when she said it made it almost impossible to call him by his last name instead of Remus. Lucky for her, she had good self control. She zoned in and noticed he had stopped about two meters behind her. Now, while he wasn't paying attention, she glared at him. She had never realize how tall he was. The scars on his face reflected his past, uncovering many secrets he was struggling to keep. His sad background took over most of his features. His brown hair, chocolate eyes and sweet smile made him look so young and wise at the same time. They were the only marks that still reflected his beautiful soul and his true self. "it's funny how time can actually leave prints on you, that remind you every day of what happened before, never allowing you to let go. Never allowing you to recover. You carry every single moment in your heart and soul and when they become too heavy, you fall, along with them." They expressed themselves so different, but deep inside, they were the same.

She turned to see what he was looking at and saw nothing besides the sunrise. Then she remembered what the sun meant to him. It meant freedom. It meant another day that passed and he hadn't hurt anyone. She turned back to him and smiled, hoping he won't notice her, but it was too late. He lowered his eyes and started walking towards her. Then took her hands and said softly:

"I won't pressure you into telling me what happened. I just want you to be alright, but also know you can always find someone to talk to in me."
He said those words like they were last ones he'll ever tell her. In some way it was true. A monster like him, as he considered himself, could never be with someone like her. She was so fragile, even though she wouldn't show it. He believed he would only give her more problems and bring more reasons for her to want to die than to live. He needed to step back before it as too late. Before they both got caught in those hopeless feelings.

"Thank you for this lovely walk and for being there for me. I can't find the words to tell you how grateful I am for having you here for me."
"Theodora Oswald, left speechless?" he raised his eyebrows with a surprised look like he had just made a great discovery.
"Come onnnn…" She rolled her eyes as a joke and then continued walking back to the castle.

Before entering the gates, he grabbed her hand and stopped her.
"I need to tell you something."
She realized by the look in his eyes it wasn't going to be good. She noticed how he became nervous seeing her confused look. "fuck, I forgot to hide my feelings!" she thought.
"Don't worry, I won't be hurt. What happened tonight was a regular muggle problem. It's normal. "oh, come on… At least pretend to believe that stupid lie!"

He thought now was the time. He thought now was the proper moment for him to confess to her something she'll find out later anyway. He thought it was the best for her to find out from him. But then he remembered what he learned about her that night: she wasn't so emotionless after all. What only I knew was that she felt those emotions much stronger than anyone else and would feel every word anyone would say to her. Even though her mind would tell her not to be bothered by some people, her stubborn heart wouldn't listen. Every drop of emotion would run through her chest and veins. He realized he was wrong. He figured out she felt enough pain for one night. He told her something about how if she ever got any problems she should never hesitate to tell him and they parted paths.