Chasing Ellie

41. Found Her

Ellie Hope

I took Darren's advice, searching each Diana Fowler that got the age range off the white pages and her relatives. It seemed almost endless, like I'd never get through the list. But it did help me rule out Facebook Diana Fowler. She is not my mom.

One; she only just recently moved to the area, two; there's not a single AJ connected to her and three; we look nothing alike.

But I am not discouraged and once again I took to stalking. I went back to the white pages, to Googling any combination of her name and the hospital and the year I was born.

Interestingly enough, I found a post on Facebook, not by a Diana Fowler, but by a relative of a Diana Fowler. The original poster, Danielle (Fowler) Merick. Now tell me that's not interesting.

I stalked Danielle Merick, scrolling through pictures of her and her family. Her husband who wasn't exceptionally tall but clearly neither was Danielle. Her kids that looked more like their father than her. Danielle herself who try as I might to stay objective about it all, I swear looked liked me. And as I scrolled through her Facebook I came across a post, with a smiling woman who bore similarities to Danielle and if I'm being honest myself. The same brown eyes and blond hair and dainty features. She was smiling, a big toothy grin, sparkling with curiosity and life.

Naturally I read the post, it was public after all.

And there, in just a few short paragraphs, my world shattered. My hope, the illusion of meeting my biological mom and getting to know her, building a relationship with her. The two of us maybe meeting for coffee regularly, or going shopping, her telling me about her childhood, her siblings, her parents. Learning bits and pieces of who I was and where I came from. All of it. Gone.

The reason I couldn't find Diana Fowler on social media was because she didn't have one. And the reason she didn't have one, because she was mentally handicapped after a drug overdose.

I didn't know my heart could shatter as severe as it did. A lump in my throat, tears in my eyes. Emotions I couldn't place and didn't understand, I couldn't put words to how I felt I just knew that everything came to a undeniable screeching halt that left me teetering on a ledge.

I had so many questions.

And now, it was clear, that most of them I'd never have answers to.

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I waited until Lizzie and Freddie went to bed before I made my way to the living room where my mom and mama were watching tv together. Mom rubbing mama's feet absentmindedly as they laugh at something on the tv.

I've been holding back tears the entire evening. Mostly because I'm trying to convince myself that relentless stalking and some physical similarities doesn't mean that Danielle Merick is my aunt and that her sister Diana Fowler is my mom. There could still be hope. But also because I didn't want anyone to ask me if something wrong. Not while Lizzie and Freddie were still up.

But now that they're safely into dreamland the tears hit my eyes like a tsunami, devastation crumbling the infrastructures I keep erected to protect myself. The ones I hide behind all day long in school so that people don't view me as prey.

Here in my home though, I let myself crumble as I flop in the chair beside the couch my moms are on and begin to unload my secret I've been harboring the last several months.

"I think I found my biological mom." I blurt, my throat tight from the lump that has found residence there.

"What?" They say in unison, shifting on the couch as my mom reaches for the remote and the tv clicks off.

"We didn't even know you were interested." Mama says.

"I didn't want to hurt your feelings." I tell her because that's mostly the truth.

I didn't want them thinking they weren't enough. That I wasn't happy. All in all I think I grew up pretty well adjusted considering my family isn't viewed as a traditional household.

"Hurt our feelings?" Mom parrots me. "Sweetheart it's natural for you to be curious about your biological parents."

They're both watching me, mama's eyebrows knit together with concern. I can tell without even looking at her that she's studying me, trying to read the things I'm not saying. So I take the guesswork out for her and spill my guts.

"I found a piece of paper in your office files with her name on it. Diana Fowler." I confess, staring at my lap. I don't know if it's just me but I swear that there's tension growing in the room. "And I searched for her online. I didn't find her per say but I found a woman named Danielle Merick who has a sister named Diana Fowler."

Picking at the seam of my sweatpants, the next bit of information sits heavy and raw inside me.

"Apparently she overdosed and has some mental problems because of it."

I feel disappointed. Hurt. Like I never should have started looking for her.

"Oh El." Mama says. "I'm sorry."

And that's when I can't hold the tears back anymore, they burst from my eyes like a flood breaking over a dam and my mom's call me to them. Of course I go, curling myself up between them like I'm still a little girl seeking comfort.

"How about this." Mom says, tucking some of my hair behind my ear. "How about we do things the right way and I'll call the agency that handled your adoption and we'll see if we can't get some information about your parents. Maybe we can write a letter asking if they'd like to have contact now."

"But what if that's her?" I mumble. "What if she doesn't remember me?"

Mama squeezes her arms tight around me, mom reaching for my hand. I have a million more thoughts that are rushing through my mind but I'm aware of how selfish and rude they all sound.

"Let's not get worked up about it yet." Mom tells me. "We don't even know for sure if it's the right woman."

She's right, we don't. Not technically.

"We'll figure this out together Ellie." Mama says gently, her breath warming my hair as she kisses my head. "You know how much we love you, right?"

That's not a question I had but I nod my head anyway.

"I love you too."

I didn't set out to find my biological parents because I was lacking love. It's been pure curiosity. Except now I almost wish I hadn't.
And even though my mom is right, we don't know for sure, there's a pit in my stomach that's telling me I found her.

That I found my mom.

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51 chapters, maybe 52. You've been warned.