Chasing Ellie

1. Phototactic

Darren Hannigan

Courtship has a long and lengthy lifespan. Dating all the way back to the Bible. If you believe in it that is. Though during those times it was more father's selling their daughters and less trying to work up the courage to ask your crush out.

I suffer from the latter.

It's hard when your brain stumbles over thoughts and words before you even open your mouth. Or having your body break out in sweats at the mere thought of catching her attention. That's not even touching on coming up with something relevant and interesting to say when I'm certain she's the most interesting and unique person I've ever met. Or what I'd even do if she noticed me.

Sad really, we've gone to school together since the grades combined freshman year. Even then in the midst of puberty she managed to make it look cool with an air of indifference.

Not me, acne over took my face and I grew so much my pants were floods. Somehow I managed to be taller than my older brother so I couldn't even borrow his hand me downs. He didn't love that I wound up bigger either. He loves sports and all things athletic, not that he isn't fast and agile but I got the mass that's needed in some sports. If I could switch him I would.

He has also never had an issue with girls. They flock to him, maybe it's the sports, or the fact that his hair looks like a copper penny, shiny and unique in a sea of blond and brunettes.

Not me. I didn't get the stunning copper hair or the easy charm that oozes out of Peter. I didn't get the desire for sports or the ability to mesh with any sort of person.

I've sort of just followed in the wake of Peter my entire life, the two of us so close in age that people have forever pegged us as twins even though he has eleven months on me. But it left us being constantly compared to one another.

Maybe the constant comparing was supposed to spark competitiveness between us but all it did was make me less competitive. Peter could have whatever he wanted as long as no one brought attention to me. And he loved it, still loves it.

For being as close in age as we are, having relatively the same friend group, being teammates, we aren't that close. He's not the person I call when I need help or confide in. I don't tell him my secrets and he doesn't tell me his.

That seat belongs to a friend, James.

James is very much like Peter but less arrogant. And he's not my brother who has out shown me my entire life. It's just easier.

"Good morning." James chirps, leaning against my locker. "The sun is shining, the weather is not warm and we're at school."

I smile to myself, James and his everlasting optimism is always amusing but he's been more extreme about it as of recent.

He hasn't told me what it is that's got his mood ramped up. And I know there's things about James that I don't know. Things he keeps to himself. Like why he doesn't date or even express interest in anyone.

"Morning." I mumble back.

"Ah don't be so sullen, it's only eight hours of prison, it'll fly." He chirps, gray eyes lit up with amusement. "Besides, todays the day you're going to say hi to her."

It's instant. The churning of my stomach, the sweat that coats my skin. Color drains from my face like someone just turned on a faucet, blood thumping in my ears so loud it tunes everything else out until the only possible result is me vomiting up my eggs and bacon on James' perfectly white shoes.

"Aw come on." He throws an arm around me, the weight of it rocking my weak limbs as I stagger at the thought of having to talk to her.

Sometimes it's just better to admire from afar, at least for me.

"She's harmless, I promise." He tells me.

She's not though. She's fierce and bold. Unlike so many of our peers, myself included, she's not afraid to voice her opinion. To be herself without hesitation. She's wild and free and beautiful, something that could never be tamed and it's her energy that draws me to her like a moth to flame.

Funny thing about moths. No one knows exactly why they're drawn to light. Whether it's a navigational clue or an escape route mechanism but they're phototactic.

Positively phototactic.

"I can't." The words squeak out of my throat, I swear it's become more swollen in the past few seconds.

My lymph nodes or maybe it has something to do with a spontaneous inflammation of my vocal chords but I swear it's hard to talk. I tug at the collar of my school sweatshirt, my T-shirt damp and clinging beneath it.

James laughs, a big hearty one that tips his head back and rocks his whole body. They're the sort of laughs that make you laugh too and I feel my mouth twitch up in a smile but I'm still sick to my stomach and sweating like a pig.

"It's easy. All you have to do is say "h" and then follow it up with "i". Easy peasy." James grabs my book off the shelf in my locker, handing it to me because I've been rendered completely useless.

My brain won't stop firing off alarms, panic racing through my system as I prepare to flight.  There's things in the world that I can do. Quite well. Like anything athletic, I'm also very good at puzzles and remembering odd facts just to regurgitate them later at less than appropriate times.

Like when Peter started dating Cora and I listed in detail statistics about interracial relationships when she came for dinner the first time.

Maybe not my finest moment but I'd read something on it one night and my brain thought that was relevant enough. Yes it may have been. But also not socially appropriate. I was nervous, I don't know what to say.

Peter probably would have killed me if it wasn't for Cora.

But I've always been the odd man out. I've learned to mirror Peter, joining sports behind him, tucking myself into his friend group. Tagging along and staying out of the way. I've got a nice, little, safe space to wait out the remainder of high school and I intend on doing so.

One glitch though.

I am absolutely, positively phototactic also. I am the moth. And Ellie Hope is my flame.

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Hope everyone is having a wonderful Christmas. I'm more sane for this author's note than the one before. Granted I didn't write this one at 2 am so that might help.

But tell me all your thoughts. Excited to hear from Darren?