Chasing Ellie

18. Cut Out

Ellie Hope

Savannah and I cut through the clumps of our peers that are gathered in Darren's home. The lights are dimmer but I'm not sure if that's because there's a fog of smoke from the bong that's found it's home on the coffee table in the living room or if someones managed to dim the lights.

I drag Savannah behind me, our hands clasped, hers sweaty from the all the alcohol she's consumed. She was doing shots with Sawyer, Caden and Ben when I walked into the kitchen and I knew that a bathroom needed to be in our very near future. So I scolded Sawyer and grabbed Savannah as she knocked back one more shot to the appraisal of Ben and Caden.

I don't trust either of them or Sawyer.

The hallway is dark as I grope for door handles, shoving open a door only to be met by a bedroom. I slam it shut and move on, Savannah whining behind me. We move farther down the hall, my fingers finding another knob and I shove the door open abruptly.

"Oh!" The sight takes me by surprise. "My bad."

Definitely not a bathroom.

I slam the door shut, spinning around to gauge Savannah's reaction. Mostly hoping she's too drunk to have noticed her brother and Brett, both lacking articles of clothing as they make out on a bed.

As my eyes meet hers it's evident she saw and sympathy floods me. I had no idea that James and Brett were together but I had an idea James wasn't straight. Brett not being straight suddenly makes a lot of sense considering his supposed obliviousness to Savannah's flirting.

But sorting all that out isn't my main priority as I try to push Savannah back from the door.

"They.." she mumbles just as the door swings open behind me.

"Van, let me explain." James pleads to his sister as he fumbles with his shirt.

Her gray eyes meet mine and she says "did you know?" And even though I try not to hesitate because technically I didn't know I still sort of knew and Savannah catches it. "Right. Great."

Her voice is tight, full of sarcasm and anger and I stumble over words as she starts to take off.

"Savannah!" James shouts, tugging his shirt over his body as he pushes past me in the hallway after his sister.

I only watch their retreating backs for a moment before I whirl around and focus in on Brett. His shirt is back on along with his glasses, his hands tangled in his mop of dark curls.

"How long has this been going on?" I ask, stepping into the room.

Green eyes meeting mine, on the verge of panic. The panic for me isn't easily placed, I'm not sure what there is to panic over. It's just me. Sure Savannah might be mad for a moment but I have faith she'll come around. Her and Brett never made sense to me anyway. They're both too introverted. They need someone to balance them.

"A while." Is all Brett says, clipped and agitated.

"Whats (whistle) going on?" Wes sounds from behind and I can vaguely hear the rustling of his clothes as he tics. "James just flew by."

"You know? How long have you known?" I point at him as he tics and Brett says "Savannah found out."

Wes says something that gets drowned out by drunk hollering in the hallway and when things quiet back down I try to reinsert myself into the conversation.

"I feel like a jerk." Brett's telling Wes. "I just keep wrecking everything."

"No." Wes is quick to shut it down.

"What else did you wreck?" I ask, stepping back to the door to close it.

They both turn to look at me like they forgot I was sharing the same space as them. Wes tics, smacking himself in the chest before his head jerks to the left twice.

Brett is by my side at the door in a blink and without a moments hesitation he says clear as day "not now Ellie" and then the door closes in my face.

How I even wound up outside the room is beyond me but sure enough I'm staring at the white painted door inches from my nose.

I feel kicked out. Exiled.

Maybe an annoyance. Definitely hurt.

I also feel like I might have broken our entire friend group. Completely accidental on my part but shattered nonetheless. And the thought weighs down on my soul so hard I might crumble right where I stand.

Sucking in a breath, I push back the tears that want to flood my eyes because I will not cry at a party and turn away from the door. Sulking down the hallway, Caitlin calls my name, but I don't give her the satisfaction of acknowledging her.

There's no way anything she could say to me would be kind. I storm through the kitchen, past the beer pong table where Sawyer is trying to redeem himself as champion. I'm out the back door a moment later, the cool air hits me like a wave, shocking my bare skin.

The last few moments play through my mind, vibrant and bright as I look for all the ways I could have prevented it, all the unsaid things, the clues I might have missed. Why am I the one that's left out? What did I do? Or what didn't I do?

Pacing the planks of the deck, my thoughts scan memories, of all of us hanging out, moments between James and Brett specifically. How had I not noticed? Why wouldn't either of them trust me with this piece of them? I mean of all people, they had to know I'd never judge. That it doesn't matter. It doesn't change who they are or that I love them.

And why now, why am I cut out of everything?

                             —————————

Poor Ellie.

Also I survived my first time ever skiing. Barely. Maybe a minor concussion. Whatever.