Chasing Ellie

43. Spiritual Connections

Darren Hannigan

I'm growing accustom to being apart of Ellie's friend group. Or more so I'm accustomed to Ellie linking arms with me and directing me to where ever she's going. And I wait on bated breath to feel her arm slip around mine and see her smile up at me as she starts in on a conversation that I can't hear because my heart is beating so loud and my body starts to sweat which makes my mind list statistics on an endless loop.

Today is no different as I make my way through the hall. Walking the same path I do everyday at the same time. I try to guess when she might appear, not letting myself look around, rather hoping by some unexplainable connection I just grow to sense her presence.

It's sent me down a research spiral of spiritual sorts. The idea is nice, that we're all connected spiritually. There's just a lack of concrete evidence though and without that it feels too unstable.

But no sooner do I start dismissing all things spiritual, I sense someone beside, Cora appearing a moment later.

I like Cora a lot. But the disappointment that hits me might as well have been a truck.

"Hi Darren." She smiles warmly at me.

"Hi Cora."

As always Cora is neatly put together. A cream sweater and blue jeans and a pair of boots, her dark hair flowing in soft curls down her shoulders. I once did research on people of color and their hair. It's really a whole culture, one that I'll never be apart of because my strangely orange hair is about as straight and fine as you can get. It does nothing. But from my gathered research I'd bet that Cora has spent a lot of time in a salon trying to relieve her hair of its natural tendencies. Especially because if you look back in our yearbooks, Cora used to wear her hair in two poofy pig tails. Somewhere in the midst of middle school, she shed her natural hair and in place a much more sleeker look. I miss the poofy pig tails.

"I heard that Peter's home." She says it gently, like it might set me off. "Caden saw him last night running."

There's a handful of things I could do; deny it and insist Peter is at college and Caden is delirious, deny it and give no reason, lie and say Peter just came home for a couple of nights, or confirm it.

I opt for the last one, mostly because if anyone should know Peter is home, it should be Cora. Plus technically I kept his secret, one we never made official with a pinky promise so I am not risk of losing any hand strength.

"He is."

"Oh."

"Actually, I think he's cutting again." I blurt this confession out hastily, like if I say it fast enough it won't seem so big.

Cora stares at me as we walk, something that makes my body to start to heat up but not in a good way. Not like when Ellie looks at me.

"I don't know what to do Cora."

She places her arm around me, both of us stopping in the middle of the hall. Her brown eyes swim with tears, glassy in the fluorescent lighting overhead. I can see my reflection staring back at me, my pale skin and dark eyes that Peter always used to joke were black like my soul.

My soul isn't black.

"How long has he been cutting again?" She asks.

"I don't know. I haven't actually seen any fresh ones. I mean, not really fresh ones. But there's recent ones." I tell her. "He's been home for a while Cora. He didn't want you to know." Her eyes drop to the floor along with her hand and I think I might've hurt her by telling her this. "I'm sorry, I told him to tell you."

She flashes me a half hearted smile. "No, it's okay. But someone needs to talk to him. You should, but if you don't want to, I will."

This would be an easy out. I know I'm not good at these situations. Cora would probably be much better, have the right things to say to reach Peter. And as much as I'd love to pass it off to someone who is better qualified I find myself saying "no, I'll do it." Adding an unsure "but thanks".

This time when she smiles it's full of sympathy. "Will you keep me updated? I know he doesn't want to talk to me but I still love him."

The tears that have been swimming in her eyes, escape, leaving a streak down her rich skin that catches the light.

"Yeah, of course."

She takes a step away, to continue on with her morning routine but before she does, she turns back to me and says "you and Ellie are super cute together."

I feel myself flush, my skin increasing in temperature so much it might melt and sluff off. Words get tangled in my throat, my tongue in a knot but Cora just gives me one of her genuine heart warming smiles. She probably knows I'm liquifying from the inside out.

And because I'm already quickly becoming a mess, no sooner does Cora leave but Ellie appear. Her arm snaking around mind as she chirps a happy "good morning".

I have to chalk it up to my terrible ability to output information correctly because as soon as her mouth closes mine opens and I blurt "I like you".

Her smile widens and then comes the onslaught of jumbled words that follow. "It's okay if you don't like me back. I don't know why I just said that. I can't believe I just said. I mean it's true but..."

"Darren." Ellie says my name, so smooth and so delicately I wish she'd say it again only so
I could hear it once more.

My name has never sounded so sweet, maybe ever in my life.

"I like you too."

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When should we start the game of figuring out who the next book is? 5 clues, want them the last 5 chapters or sooner?