In Cold Blood [Ash Lynx] - Banana Fish

One - Without Me

Ash had never been one to believe in God, or any other deities in fact.

Growing up in Massachusetts, he never felt like he needed to worry about that, or anything else for that matter. The idyllic peninsula of Cape Cod was a popular spot for tourists, attracting them throughout the summer for the perfect family seaside getaway. To Ash, it was just as beautiful in winter —its biggest charm being that there were no tourists during the season.

When he stood on the end of the dock, watching his father go fishing in the serene, clear water, Ash felt like the world would stop. With the vast water in front of him, gulls soaring and the roar of a boat engine, he would look out as far as his eyes could see —he dreamed of calm waters and sunny skies forever.

To Ash, the ocean was the closest thing to heaven.

If his mother had been religious herself, Ash had no way of knowing —her having left him in the care of his father when he was a baby. Ash liked to think that he could never forgive her, but he realised, there's no point hating both of your parents and his father wasn't going to be taken off that list any time soon. And anyway, he didn't think he could ever truly hate her if he'd never really met her.

When he'd seen his father last, while on their way to Los Angeles with the others, Jim hadn't wanted anything to do with him. To have a better greeting from your father's girlfriend than your father himself was a punch to the gut. Yet, he'd not felt disappointed to have that reaction from him; he'd expected it from the man who left him in the care of his older brother until the age of seven.

With his brother Griffin dead, his mother not in the picture, and his father basically dead to him anyway, the closest person to Ash had been his best friend, Shorter Wong.

The last time he even thought about his religious standing was when he and Shorter met in juvenile detention. Although they hadn't gotten along to begin with, the two became close friends, considering the other to be like their brother. When Shorter was leaving prison, he had told Ash that he resembled an angel —his face so beautiful it was scary and his green eyes so clear he felt himself entranced.

This had surprised Ash, to be compared to a beautiful celestial being when he'd thought of himself as a monster. Throughout the rest of his life, Ash was always being called 'the devil himself' or some sort of animal, but Shorter's words always stuck with him.

By the time Ash left prison a few weeks later, the two decided to band together and this ultimately unified their gangs —which proved the right move; together they took down Arthur and Golzine.

However, his lasting thought of Shorter was nothing he wanted to remember. Ash's voice desperately shouting out to his friend. The look in Shorter's eyes when he saw him; the guilt and utter terror. His body shaking, gripped onto the knife as sweat dripped down his sunken face and scratched, pale torso. He cried out to Ash too, but not with happiness and pleasure. It was of pain and suffering. To this day, Ash can't forgive himself for his actions; holding the gun up to his friend's back, taking aim, pulling the trigger.

Thinking about Shorter makes his skin crawl and his hair stand on end.

After he did it, he'd never felt more disgusted with himself —even if it was to put an end to his best friend's suffering. He was left feeling empty.

Every time he felt unsure of himself and his actions, or he felt scared —not that he liked to admit the latter— he pictured that water; he pictured his father sailing out to collect fish in his net.

It's at this moment that the memory comes to mind, as he lays down on the cold, hard concrete steps, clutching at his bleeding stomach.

Continuing to apply pressure to his wound, Ash winces. Just when he thinks the pain has subsided and the bleeding has stopped, it shoots through his stomach again and more drips out.