Just a little longer.

Touch

If I was telling you that I hate being touched but I am, at the same time, touch deprived, what would you think?

Do you think I'm weird? It doesn't really make any sense I am aware of it, but that's how I really feel.

I have never been the kind of kid to hug my mom when she came back from work or give my dad a kiss on the cheek before sleep. I don't feel the need to do these. When I do it, I feel so awkward. I do it just because I guess most people act like that. As if I had to even if no one forced me. When it happens I feel like someone else is controlling my body. I don't remember really enjoying it when my grandmother played in my hair while my head was lying on her thighs. I don't know if it's normal. Especially for a kid. I'm still like that. Even after all this time.

But there are times when I'm with myself at night or even at work or at school, I feel lonely. Even with all those people around me. In fact, I feel especially lonely when there are people. Because they don't see me.

However, humans are not meant to be alone. We are social animals. We need contact. We need interaction.

Did you know that the most important sense for a newborn is touch? We are born needing to be touched. I don't understand how I grew up having less and less desire to be touch. To be alone with someone. Maybe I've been touch by the wrong person. Or at the wrong time. I don't really know. To be honest I don't want to know. That's the type of thing you don't want to think about for too long or too often.

I don't want to be touched by anyone. I would like to have my person. I would like to be alone with my person. And I would want their touch. Just them. The person I have in mind is you.

Oh, what would I give to feel your touch on my skin. Just to feel something for a moment. To feel you for a moment.

I know you already touch my pages, and that is so wonderful yet so painful. You are so close yet so far. I'm so yours but you're not mine.