IF THEY LIVED (Harry Potter)

34|WHAT HAPPENED?

He was sitting on his chair.

Harry was sitting on his lap.

On one side of the chair laid Sirius.

On the other side there was Lily.

James was sitting there alone with his thoughts.

He wasn't sure what had happened in the past half an hour. It was all a blur, the memory almost non-existent. He remembered Lily's body hitting the floor, he remembered the killing curse taking over the room. He remembered his body being thrown backwards, he remembered hearing the room blow up, as though there was an explosion, he remembered hearing screams, he remembered Harry's crying.

But he could only recall a few images of what happened after that. He remembered crawling across the room, while curses were flying over his head; he remembered holding Harry, while climbing out of the Whomping Willow; and he remembered Dumbledore shaking him in the Hospital Wing, pulling him out of his trance.

After that, his surroundings found a continuum once again. He and Remus told Dumbledore what had happened. After examining Harry's scar and pacing around the Hospital Wing for a few minutes, their former Headmaster sat down again. He told them that Lily's sacrifice must have given Harry protection to prevent Voldemort from killing him. That protection caused Voldemort's killing curse to rebound - to redirect it's path straight back at Voldemort.

'Is Voldemort dead?' Remus asked him, 'I couldn't see his body anywhere.'

'No, I believe he didn't die,' Dumbledore replied. 'Although I do believe he has been weakened - his power has been destroyed.'

After that Remus had left with McGonagall to alert the rest of the Order, Dumbledore retired to his study, and James was left alone.

As much as James wanted to be happy - Voldemort was gone! - he didn't feel happy at all. He felt relieved, but not happy. He felt grateful for his family to be alive, although he would much rather return to the days in hiding, where Sirius was playfully smiling, where Lily was full of her radiant energy and where Harry didn't have a scar on his forehead, not to mention that their unborn son would have still been alive. He would've gladly have Voldemort still alive and his family whole - unscarred.

If only he had seen the rat in Peter Pettigrew.

Everything would have been perfectly fine, if he hadn't said anything to Peter. If Peter didn't come to visit on Voldemort's orders, he wouldn't have attacked Lily. If Lily wasn't attacked, their son would have survived. If their son hadn't died, Lily would have never gone to St. Mungo's and she and Sirius would have stayed safe. They could have left the country - they could have gone to New Zealand or Brazil or Slovenia. They could have found themselves a new home, cast a new Fidelius Charm, and live out the rest of their lives in safety.

"I'm sorry," James whispered. "It's all my fault."

Was he really doing such a bad job at being a father, husband, friend? His whole life, James had always put his family and friends first. He would have done anything in his power to protect them. Why are they all falling apart in front of him? He should be the one lying in the hospital bed, unconscious. He should have been the one taking the killing curse instead of his baby.

But he was grateful. He knew it was a miracle that they were still alive - he couldn't believe Lily and Harry were still alive. He was the luckiest man on Earth: his son survived the Killing Curse! James was sure upon entering the Shrieking Shack that it was over. He was grateful for them to underestimate Lily, to give her a chance to protect Harry. He was glad that she was a Muggle-Born, since that had to be the reason why Harry was chucked into her arms, while the Death Eaters were laughing at her - how could a Muggle-Born stand a chance against the Dark Lord?