Red Vs Blue, & there's Magenta: Season Three

Chapter 7 New Toys

The group was fixing the Warthog. Sarge and Donut were underneath the jeep working on it.

Sarge: Donut! Hold the light right there. No, not on me! On that! Why would I need the light on my face?

Donut: Ooh! Ooh! And what's that other metal thing that looks like a soup can?!

Sarge: Don't touch anything, Donut!

He turned something.

Sarge: Okay fellas, I think I've got it. Give her a crank! Guys? Guys? Hey! What in tarnation are you knuckleheads doin' up there?!

Grif was in the driver seat while the others were standing nearby.

Simmons: No, I don't think we should put new rims on the jeep.

Grif: Oh come on! If we all kick in, we can get some spinners, some kickass subs, hydraulics!

Tucker: I'm in.

Simmons: Why?

Grif: Uh, for style.

Ruby: Why do we need style though?

Tucker: For chicks.

Ruby began loading her Magnum.

Simmons: Ruby's the only chick within miles. Actually, we don't know if there's even anyone's still alive!

Grif: What, you're suddenly a pessimist.

Tucker: Yeah, but if we do find someone women, we will literally be the last men on Earth fo-UCK!!!!!!!!

Ruby: Even if I was the last woman alive, I would not bang any of you with anything other than a bullet.

Her pistol had smoke coming from the barrel.

Grif/Simmons/Tucker: S-Sorry ma'am!

Sarge then popped up from beneath the Warthog.

Sarge: If you ladies are through gossiping, I could use some help fixin' our vehicle!

Grif: Oh yeah, right! Here, let me try!

Sarge: Wait!

Grif started the car and ran over Donut!

Donut: GYAH-AH-OW!

Ruby/Sarge: Donut! Are you okay?!

Donut: *crying* I was just petting the bunny and then it went into the soup can. . . and part of my hand went with it.

Sarge moved over to get back beneath the jeep.

Tucker: Bunny and hand soup, just like mom used to make.

Sarge: Donut, I said not to touch anything! You touched everything! That's exactly the opposite of touching nothing!

Simmons then got into the passenger seat.

Grif: Hey, what are you doing?

Simmons: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm getting into the jeep.

Grif: What are we, on a date? Get in the back.

Simmons: Oh, you're so insecure!

Sarge: Will you two shut up! We need to get this thing fixed!

Donut: I feel dizzy Sarge!

Sarge: That's just blood loss. You'll make new blood. You just need some orange juice!

Ruby: Donut, come on out. I'll patch up your hand.

The pink soldier crawled out and Ruby took out some light medical supplies.

Tucker: Why do we need this thing fixed anyway?

Sarge: Listen dirtbag, I know on Blue team you like to lollylag a bit-

Tucker: There is no Blue team! It's all a lie! Red and Blue are the same!

Grif: Aw, don't start that crap again.

Simmons: You sound like a conspiracy nut when you talk about that stuff. "The government put a chip in my brain!"

Grif: "The president can hear my thoughts!"

Donut: "We never landed on the sun!"

Grif: *gasps* "They put fluoride in my water!"

Simmons: Actually, that one's true.

Grif: It is? No wonder I listen to so much pop music.

Ruby: Guys, did you not here Vic on both ends? I'm with Tucker on this.

Tucker: I swear, she's the only one here with a form of intelligence.

Sarge: We're fixing the jeep because we need to be prepared! Just as our enemies are preparing to attack us at this very moment!

Tucker: But most of you think I'm your enemy and I'm not preparin' to do anything! 'Cept get L-A- DON'T!!!!!!!!!!

Ruby had raised her magnum in one hand while fixing Donut's hand with the other.

Ruby: That would've been been ended in a horrible line and a horrible fate.

*At Zanzibar*

O'Malley: *evil laughs* Yes! This place will do nicely for an evil lair! It's diabolically designed!

Doc: As a student of Feng Shui, I can tell you that this house is 88% good luck. Also, very breezy! I like the floorplan.

O'Malley: Quiet you fool!

Lopez's head was on the floor.

Lopez: (Spanish) I just want my own room. I hate sharing with the vacuum.

O'Malley: Hello! Is anyone home?! Don't be alarmed! We're only here to kill you and take all your possessions! Excellent! No doubt our very presence has scared everyone away! *evil laughs*

Doc: Why don't we just see if this place is listed by a licensed real estate agent?

O'Malley: Oh shut up!

Doc: But we don't even know if it's been inspected recently! It could need foundation work.

Lopez: (Spanish) It could have mold.

O'Malley: Both of you shut up! We're moving in and that's final! It has machine gun turrets, two living quarters with ample closet space, and a short commute to my secret laboratory! It's perfect!

Doc: Yeah, but what about the school district?

Lopez: (Spanish) We have no children.

Doc: It's important to think about resale value, Lopez.

O'Malley: Resale value?! Our plan is to rule the world! Not make prudent investments!

Lopez: (Spanish): Its important to have a fallback plan.

O'Malley: Oh shut up. We're moving in and that's final.

They walked inside.

Doc: Oh look a computer! Now, I can finally update my blog.

Lopez: (Spanish) You have a blog?

Doc: Yeah, it's great! It's just like being a real journalist, but without all the hassles like liability and accuracy.

O'Malley: NO! I need that computer for compelling evil formulas! And to rebuilt the weather machine! Also to download music. *evil laughs*