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I'd not been the same since my mother left. I knew, as she sailed away into the distance, that I would never see her or my home again. There was no possibility now, no tiny lingering feeling that maybe one day I would return. All of that was gone now, and I was forced to face reality.
And reality wasn't the best.
Rain splattered down on the muddy ground, spinning me back to the present. Each droplet was like gunfire, jolting me with the harsh chill of our surroundings. To say that it was now spring, the weather was still as icy as ever and I couldn't help the shiver that ran up my spine as I wrapped my cloak around me tighter. Astrid and I both sat together in one of the more sheltered areas as the others made camp, and all I could do was huddle close to her as my teeth chattered. The wind wrapped its icy fangs around me, encircling us both with its freezing grip.
The two of us rested after the long journey from Rogaland to the moorland a few miles from Kattegat. But, unlike me, Astrid was still preparing herself to fight - to charge into battle headfirst. I wondered if Harald even knew about their child. Surely he wouldn't let her out herself at so much risk when she carried their child. Just convincing Ivar to allow me anywhere near the battle took days, nevermind actually fighting. But Astrid wasn't me, and I admired her spirit - her courage. Harald could've never stopped her from doing anything that she wished to do. In truth, nor could Ivar. But, it seemed to me, that Astrid was not so in love with the idea of being a mother as I was. I was no shieldmaiden, and would likely refuse to fight and put my child at risk even if I was. But Astrid, she didn't seem to hold the same sentiment as I. I couldn't tell what it was, whether it was the loveless marriage that she seemed to be trapped in with Harald or something much worse that she had not yet told me about, but I knew one thing - the brave strong-willed shieldmaiden was afraid. And she certainly didn't wish to have this baby.
"I wish we had radiators right now." I grumbled to myself, silently yearning for an RV to travel in and the comforts of home. God, even just a hot shower would've been nice. But, of course, none of those things existed here.
"A what?" Astrid sent me an odd look, her raven braids far more still in the wind than my flaming curls - which blew about like a raging inferno as I desperately tried to push it from my face.
"Nevermind." I answered, knowing that there was no logical place for me to begin explaining what a radiator was to someone born centuries before their invention. "How much longer do you think they'll be?"
"I don't know." She responded, placing her hand on mine and sending me a warm smile as she offered to share the warm fur that was draped over her shoulders. I gladly accepted her offer, of course - fearing that I'd freeze to death before I ever got to see Ivar again. But, as always, his timing was impeccable. As soon as I began to get warm, the two of us huddled by the dwindling fire as our teeth chattered in unison, King Harald and the Ragnarssons emerged from whatever place they had been residing in - probably arguing over tactics and commanding troops. Both were things that I was glad to take no part in, but at the same time I wanted nothing more than to fall asleep in Ivar's arms after our days of riding towards our final destination. In truth, I was already exhausted. I was - only slightly, but enough to notice the difference - further along than Astrid, and the small bump of the baby was already beginning to show. I'd predicted it would be a summer baby, just like myself. By now, I must've been about five months along.
I was worried about her, about her being here especially. The whole time I'd known her, she never seemed happy, but it was worse now. And though I wanted to talk to her, I never knew what to say - nor could I ever speak to her without Harald being within earshot, it seemed. A strange foreboding sunk into the pit of my stomach, telling me that she needed help and she needed it soon. Otherwise, I was scared that she was going to do something that she could never take back.
"You look like you're having fun, my love." Ivar smirked, leaning on his crutch with an expression that made me want to kill him. All I could do, however, was send him a sharp glare - as if just a look could do the job. Of course, this only made him grin. I think he rather enjoyed pissing me off.
"The tents are up, Iris." Hvitserk rolled his eyes, and I could tell quickly that he and Ivar had been squabbling again. All they seemed to do these days was argue. And, as much as I loved him, I knew that it was often Ivar that was the antagonist. He didn't trust his older brother. And, in truth, I think he was just afraid that Hvitserk would leave him - afraid that, after all, Hvitserk hadn't chosen him because he really loved him. "You should go and rest. Tomorrow will be a long day."
I looked between each of them, noticing a tension that I hadn't noticed before. My gaze turned towards my husband, asking a silent question of what was going on and was he okay. Ivar only sent me a small nod, reassuring me that I could go and get the rest that I'd been yearning for over the previous arduous days.
"Well, don't stay up all evening." I sighed, smiling as at Astrid as she helped me to my feet. "You all need to rest too."
"Yes mother." Astrid chuckled, making me laugh wearily in return as I tiredly walked towards the tents. I couldn't hear their words as I left, but there was argument between them again. There always seemed to be something that they were all fighting over. But, in truth, I didn't much care in that moment - I simply wanted to sleep.
