lovely lady may • sirius black

Chapter 15

I usually have people from Hogwarts over during the holidays, but this year I've decided to just spend time with my family and muggle friends. It's been good to have some time where I can feel normal and not have to think about any of the drama back at Hogwarts. I was actually doing really well with not thinking about Sirius, but then his Christmas present came.

I haven't been able to bring myself to open it, mainly because I never got him a Christmas present, and I know that as soon as I open it, I'll have to run out and get him one. It's probably something super sweet that's going to make me regret kissing James (still can't believe I did that, but the worst part is I'd do it again). I have to remind myself that Sirius was the one who broke up with me, and I have every right to whatever I want now, no matter how much he regrets it.

I stare at the present while it sits on my bed. What could it even be? When I finally open the package, there's a letter on top and I decide to read that first.

Merry Christmas Octavia,

You were probably shocked to get a gift from me, and I don't want you to feel obligated to go out and get something for me, but you probably will anyway. This is just something that I've been putting together for your Christmas gift for a while, and I figured it was better off with you than sitting around in my room, collecting dust.

I realize I made a huge mistake. You were right. Just being spiteful towards my brother wasn't going to fix anything, and I've been trying to talk to him more. Maybe I can instill something good in him. I hope you and I can at least be friends again someday, but if that isn't what you want, then I understand. I just want you to be happy, and I understand I hurt you. There's nothing I regret more than hurting you. I'm glad you were able to go to the party with Prongs, it seemed like you two had a pretty good time.

Anyway, I wish you have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

All the best,
Sirius

By the end of the letter, I'm already tearing up. I miss him so bad. I just want to sit with him and talk like we always did. I'm so proud of him for trying to do better and talk to Regulus. I pull out the wrapped gift. I tear open the wrapping paper carefully to reveal a photo album. Octavia and the Marauders is embossed on the front of it in gold lettering. I can barely flip through the first few pages before I have to close it. All the stupid polaroids that Sirius always had Remus take were for this book. I love him so much.

I break out a pen and paper to write him back.

Dear Sirius,

Thank you so much for the lovely Christmas present. It's so thoughtful. I wish I could get you something that might compare, but I don't think it's possible.

Thank you for talking to Reg. I just felt so awful when he asked me if you hated him. I didn't know what to say. I appreciate that you're trying to do better, and I'm trying to do better too. I understand your relationship with your family isn't so simple, and it isn't my place to simplify it.

I want you to know that I love you very much, and I realize this is my first time telling you that, but it's true, even if it might not seem like that right now. I miss you more than anything, and honestly I wasn't able to make through the first few pages in the photo album without crying. That being said—we can't get back together, at least for a little while. I get a feeling if we get back together anytime soon we're just going to end up fighting again, and I don't want things between us to get ruined for good. I'll be honest, one of my worst fears is ending up in a "right person/wrong time" situation. I'd rather remain your friend than end up hating each other because we weren't ready for a relationship.