Parallel Universe - The Wilds

Chapter Six - Is this really what I'm born to be?

I go back to the point where I got interrupted from Billie, Katie and Maya. I think about my first foster home. They treated me like shit. Like I was their maid or something. All I did was clean everything. Over and over again. I had no friends, so I couldn't do much different. Maybe I could have made some friends, if I had more free time.

When my mother came finally back after nine months, she was allowed to take me back. She was stable, they said. I finally was allowed to move back. I was so happy about it. Marty and I sticked together even more than before. We just didn't want to lose us again. I remember the first day back at my old school, Marty bought me a bag of Takis. It was the first time I was eating them. They were so good, omg. It became not just a symbol of our friendship but a symbol of my home. Martha's my home. I never felt safer, than with her. I was happier than ever before. My mom was fine, I had my best friend back and I could go back to my old school. I hated it, but at that moment I just was happy to be home. This happy bubble obviously didn't last. Half a year later my mother relapsed. When I first noticed she was doing drugs again, I didn't say anything. I didn't want to lose everything again. I was angry at her, yet I didn't say anything. I was so afraid. I mean, I was just 13. How could she do that to me. Put that responsibility on me. I lasted one month saying nothing. To nobody. Not even Marty. Then she overdosed again. Went to the hospital again. I had to go to child services again. If she hadn't overdosed I probably would've never said anything. I didn't want to lose my home again. The funny thing was, I didn't cry. I was so used to pushing my feelings down, that I couldn't cry. So my mother was gone again, in rehab. And I was on my way to my new foster home. I really hoped it'd be a better one. This time I was lucky because I got one here, in this city. Still I didn't want to be there. Why did I think my mother would be able to be there for me? Why would I think she could stay clean for me? I had hope. But it was all a lie. How could I ever trust her again? Or anyone else? She left me behind. All alone. I remember the first day at my new foster home. The Haywood's. A mom and a dad and a sister and a brother. A happy family. Why would they take me? They were actually nice to me. The boy, Benny, was 15 and played basketball in high school. And the girl, Stella, was a year younger than me. I got along with both of them pretty well. Benny showed me how to play basketball. It was the first time I realized, I was actually pretty good at it. We would play hours and hours together in their backyard, where they had a basket.

The time flew by and they have become like a family to me. Stella was like a siter to me. We talked for hours, when we actually had to sleep. We shared a room. And Benny was like an older brother to me. Also the parents, Jessica and Brian, cared for me. So it felt like I am part of something. I don't know.

My mom got better pretty fast this time. I still wasn't allowed to move back with her. The court decided that. It's too dangerous they said. Maybe she can get back into life easier when she's not having the responsibility of a child on her shoulders. I mean who gets better when their child is in hands of other people. But what do I know. I just thought: "Am I really that much of a burden?" I thought I was really independent at that time. Still, I didn't want my mom being stopped getting better. Especially not by me. At least we were allowed to visit each other. She always told me of how good she was. At some point I stopped buying that shit. She lied to me. I knew it. I knew she was taking drugs again. Why can't she get better? As much as I liked it at the Haywood's, I really hoped someday I could live with my mom again. But that's just a dream. I didn't want her to overdose again, so I talked to her about it. I told her, if she doesn't get her fucking shit together she loses me. Okay, yeah, I know, not the best way to talk to an emotionally and mentally unstable drug addict. But I lost control. I was so mad. I told her, I she won't go to rehab voluntarily, I get her to do it. She cried. She apologized for being such a disappointment to me. That was the moment I finally started crying to. I felt bad. I mean I made her cry. I hugged her and apologized for being so mad. She just said, it was okay. So she went to rehab again. And I stayed with the Haywood's.

The author stops reading and every applauses. I don't. Why should I. Slowly the students get up from their seats and go to the exit. I notice how the girl who I thought crushed on the author. She still sits there, seems like she's waiting for something. The boy next to her is gone. Martha takes my hand and pulls me up.

"Why, Marty why? I don't want to."

"Come on."

"But I have to talk to Miss Montgomery."

"It can't be that bad. Just be nice to her, for once."

"How should I do that. She's such a bitch."

"Ugh, just try, it's not so hard."

"Maybe if I just run away, she forgets."

"That won't work."

I make a sad face. "Can you help me out? She likes you. Maybe she'll listen to you." I make puppy eyes in the hope she can't resist.

"I can try. But I already know that she's gonna send me away."

"Thanks Marty. You're the best."

"Don't thank me yet, I can't promise you anything."

"Is this really what I'm born to be?" – NF, Hate Myself