Parallel Universe - The Wilds

Chapter Ten - I've been hiding for so long

It's dark outside already. My hair is wet, the wind is cold, so I put on my hood. I probably should text Marty I'm on my way. It's late, but it doesn't matter. I can come whenever I need it. I love that. I guess that's my real home. I'm walking in the dark, listening to my music. Juice Wrld's Lucid Dreams is streaming through my headphones. I'm staring up at the sky, watching all the stars. Beautiful. I remember how that girl told me to look where I'm going. So I'm doing that. I'm walking by the street, starring into nothing. Not nothing. The dark. It's infinite. I love the dark. It's silent. And calm. Maybe I am the only one who feels this way. Maybe that's because there's a lot of darkness inside of me. Maybe. For me it's like, everything bad just goes away. When I feel alone, I go out in the dark. When I feel angry, I go out in the dark. I often sleep outside in the dark because it makes my worries go away. I feel safer. And I'm away from my stupid foster family. It's such a fucking mess in there. So I avoid it as much as possible. A little over a year then I'm free. 18. My stomach stops my thoughts with a growl. I must be really hungry. I haven't eaten since lunch. And it's 21 p.m. already. The Takis don't count. When I'm playing basketball, I forget everything. I love that. It's my way to turn my brain off. After that all my thoughts are coming back. Like right now. I take a big sip of my Gatorade.

My thoughts go back to the Haywood's. I actually don't like thinking about them. But sometimes I do it anyways. They broke me. I mean I was broken before. But that was something else. I was so happy being able to live with a family that cares about me and is there for me. That's probably why they hurt me so much. I was living with them when I got into high school. My mother missed my graduation from middle school and she wasn't there for my first day of high school. I didn't even know where she was. So I was really happy that the Haywood's were there. Because high school was a lot at first. I was surrounded by tons of new people. The only people I knew, were Martha and Benny. And Benny already was in senior year. So the 14 year old me was overwhelmed with all the new people. In some of my classes there was this girl, Kira. I liked her, she always was very nice to me. She had blonde hair and  was a little taller than me. We started to talk and to hang out after school. We instantly clicked. I was so confused. Confused by my feelings. I felt so much calmer when I was with her. But I was really afraid to talk to anyone about this, so I kept my mouth shut. I started playing basketball for the Firebirds. It helped me to get distracted of my feelings. But not for long. I couldn't stop thinking about Kira. So I took the phone I got from my foster parents and googled. I took a bunch of "Are you gay?" tests. But I wasn't really satisfied with the outcome. It just said I'm gay. And now? What now? I thought a little bit about it. That actually helped me. I realized that that's who I am. "I'm gay. I always was", I thought. I remembered all the girls I thought were cute. The actresses I found so beautiful. Obviously I'm gay, how could I never realize this before. Still, the feelings about Kira freaked me out. I thought about talking with Stella about this but it felt wrong. So one day after school, I went home with Martha. At this time I wasn't very often at her house because I was always at my foster home. So we sat there, in her room. My heart was beating so fast. It felt like, I was a little kid again.

"Um Marty, I need to tell you something."
"Sure, what is it Toni?"

"I'm not sure how to tell you."

"Why? You know you can tell me everything."
"I know. It's just, I don't want to lose you."
"Why would you lose me?"
"I don't know if you still see me as the same person after I tell you this."

"Did you kill someone?", she asked me with a smile.

When I didn't smile back, she realized that I cared. That it really bothered me.

"Okay, I'm sorry. I'll listen.", she said immediately.

I nodded. But I couldn't get a word out of my mouth.