Aria's Story

~ Chapter 1 ~

You're fat. Do you think you look good the way you are, the way you look? Please, you're absolutely disgusting. You need to lose more weight and fast. No more eating. If you keep eating, you're going to gain more weight and be even fatter. Don't you want to be skinny, like the other girls at your school? That's probably never going to happen. I mean, really? You're huge.

I close my eyes, trying my best to ignore the voice in my head. I clutched at my ears as if that would help drown out the voice in my head. The voice just wouldn't shut up and I hated myself more each time it spoke.

Every morning, every afternoon, and every night I look at myself in the mirror and basically torture myself until I feel so bad about myself that I shut myself down and walk back over to my bed. It's becoming a struggle and it's getting worse everyday. I just wasn't good enough.

The girls at my school, the girls in magazines, on TV, are all better looking than me and so beautiful. I always liked how I could see how much their hipbones, collarbones, and ribs showed more, and how their thighs never touched because they were so thin and beautiful. I want that, so desperately.

I walk over to my bathroom mirror and I look into it, at myself. I look at myself with so much disgust that the fear of gaining weight became more important. I watch my small blue eyes watch me, but I don't dare look beyond in fear of what I might find and what might happen if I do.

Wow, look how pathetic and disgusting you are. You can't even look at yourself without hating everything about your body and your appearance. Hello, are you not listening to me? Stop eating, and then you'll stop being so fat.

I let tears stream down my face as I look at myself more clearly and I can instantly see everything that I hate about myself; my stomach wasn't flat enough and it was just too fat. My thighs are huge. My collarbones aren't prominent. My arms and legs aren't skinny enough.

I wasn't thin enough.

As I step on and off of the scale, I was afraid of looking down and seeing that disappointing number. I look down, and become sick to my stomach. I had gain two pounds; I'm now at 113 pounds. It must have been what I ate for dinner yesterday, the dinner that my parents bought us instead of money because they didn't feel we deserved money this month and they didn't care enough about us. I should have never ate that good slice of pizza.

My head suddenly turns toward my blue drawer where I am reminded that I hide chocolate bars and bag of chips there. Should I just not care and eat some? I'm really hungry.

You're also really fat, Aria. How many times do I have to tell you before you start to listen to me and keep what I say in mind at all times? Don't you dare eat any of that, you disgusting pig. You don't deserve it.

I couldn't stop the voices in my mind disappear and it felt like the voice was controlling me in a way that made me have so much hatred towards myself. I needed to stop eating.

You're fat.

You're fat.

You're fat.