Aria's Story

~ Chapter 13 ~

When you feel worthless, always, every day. The feeling of being sick, but you're not really sick. You're just sad, depressed, unhappy. You just feel like laying in bed all day. I don't remember what it's like to not feel broken. The moment  when you can actually feel the pain in your chest from seeing or hearing something that breaks your heart. I'm tired and I don't want to play this game anymore.

They say that suicide doesn't kill people, sadness does. But why am I still here then? I don't understand why I'm feeling this way; I don't understand a lot of things, actually. People all around me make fun of me because I'm fat and everybody's leaving me because of my eating disorder. I never thought this would be the way my life would end up to be.

People push past me to get to class, giving me a push on the way. I look around and notice people looking at me, whispering to their friends, pointing at me, and laughing. I try to walk past people and ignore their faces and the laughs but as I get closer to my next class, the harder it becomes, and louder the voices and laughs are.

During the end of that class, when we were at the end of a new lesson, I start thinking about what happened before class. The laughs, the looks, the voices. It's been this way for weeks, and it never seems to get easier. All of the sudden, I hear myself scream as people look over at me with scared and frightened looks, and I see myself running out of class and into the bathroom. I walk into one of the stalls and slid down the side. I cover my hands over my face and begin sobbing.

~~

It was finally lunch after hours in the bathroom, crying uncontrollably. I walk over to the normal table I sit at, which is also the place where I used to sit at the beginning of the year with all of my friends, and sit down. I pull a notebook out from my bag and start writing:

I think the problem with me is that I think way too much. People look at me with so much hatred and so much disgusted looks that it's hard for me to ignore it. The thoughts in my head are starting to break me and I don't know how much longer I can take the voices in my head. I lost myself a while back ago and I don't think I'll ever find myself again. But most of all, I feel like hurting myself. Sometimes, I just want to die. I don't really think I can do this anymore.

I finish writing down my thoughts and as I look up from the paper, I see Danielle next to me, covering her mouth with her hand, tears streaming down her face, and she runs out of the cafeteria. I look down, and I cover my face with my hands again, wishing the school day was over so I could just go home and sleep.

Suddenly I hear someone say, "Oh, look who we have here," I look behind me and see Emily standing there with her new friends, smirking at me, while her friends give me weird and disgusted looks. "Deciding whether to kill yourself or not? Well, if you need an opinion from someone else, then here it is: just do it already."

She starts laughing with her friends as they walk away, leaving me there with tears streaming down my face. I get up and walk towards the exit of the cafeteria. I pull the door open and start walking towards my locker. When I get there, I open up my locker and look through the mirror at myself. I shake my head, disapprovingly.

I deserve this.

"Hey, Aria," I hear someone say down the hall from where I'm at.  I look over and see Nicole coming towards me with a huge smile on her face. But when she sees my face, her smile fades away, "Are you okay?" I shake my head no and slid down the lockers, to the floor. She sits down next to me and pulls me in a hug. "Shh, it's gonna be okay. I'm here, I'm here."

"I just feel so alone right now." I say

"I know but you're not alone. I'm always going to be here with you,"  She gets up and pulls me up with her, "Come, let's get you home." I nod my head and she walks with me to her car.

Kill yourself.

Kill yourself.

Kill yourself.

The thoughts keep coming and I feel tears threaten to fall again. I'm starting to feel numb and the pain is just getting worse the more I'm here, and I don't know what to do anymore.