Aria's Story

~ Chapter 19 ~

Miss me?

I close my eyes, trying to drown out the voices in my head. I clutch at my ears as if that would help drown out the voice in my head. The voice just wouldn't shut up and I hated myself more each time it spoke.

Look how fat you have become, holy cow. Do you it's better for you to be that way, to be fatter than ever before? Do you think it makes Hunter like you this way? No, it doesn't and he hates looking at you with that big piece of fat on you. You're absolutely disgusting and nobody wants to be near you because of your fatness. No more eating, you don't need the extra calories. If you eat any more,  you're going to be one of the most fattest person at your school, and I know you enough to know that you don't want that to happen. Don't you want to be skinny, like the people around you? If I'm being completely honest here, that probably won't ever happen. I mean, really? You're huge as it is.

"I know, I know." I say to the voice in my head in annoyance.

Every morning, every afternoon, and every night I look into the mirror at myself and I have so much disgust and hatred towards myself. I torture myself all the time because of my fatness and because of the way I look. I shut down afterwards and walk away from it, and exercise until my body can't do any more. It's becoming even more of a struggle than it was before and it's getting worse everyday. I just wasn't good enough and that needed to change. I'm going to get it to change, no matter how hard it is and no matter what it takes.

The girls at my school, the girls in magazines, on TV, are all better looking than me and so beautiful. I always liked how I could see how much their hipbones, collarbones, and ribs showed more, and how their thighs never touched because they were so thin and beautiful. I want that, so desperately. It can't be that hard, can it?

I walk over to my bathroom mirror and I look into it, at myself. I look at myself with so much disgust that the fear of gaining weight became even more important to me than ever before. I watch my small blue eyes watch me, but I don't dare look beyond in fear of what I might find and what might happen if I do.

Wow, you look so shameful and pathetic right now. That's disgusting. You can't even look at yourself without hating everything about your body and your appearance. Hello, if you stop eating, then you will not be fat.

I let tears stream down my face as I look at myself through the mirror more clearly than before. I can instantly spot everything that's wrong with my body, the parts of my body that I hate the most; my stomach and how fat it looks, more fatter than it has been recently. My thighs are huge and touch one another. I wish I had a thigh gap. My collarbones aren't prominent. My arms and legs aren't skinny enough.

I still wasn't thin enough.

I become more and more terrified about looking down at that disappointing number that it's going to show me as I step onto the scale. I look down, and become sick to my stomach. I had gain three pounds. I was now at 97 pounds; it must have been the fresh brownies Hunter and Nicole made for me and how many I ate last night. I knew when I ate it that it was going to make me gain weight. I was so stupid for eating them.

My head suddenly turns toward my blue drawer where I am reminded that I hide chocolate bars and bag of chips there. 

No, Aria. You are already fat. Don't you dare eat any of it. How many times do I have to tell you before you start to listen to me and keep what I say in mind at all times? You don't deserve any kind of food.

I couldn't help but listen to the voices in my head, telling me how fat I am and how I should stop eating. I wish the voices would just disappear but they wouldn't and I was forced to listen to them and I was basically being tortured. It felt like the voices were controlling me in a way that made me have so much hatred towards myself. I needed to stop eating, and that was just what I was going to do.

I don't care how far I take this eating disorder to, I'm going to be thin for once, and I'm not stopping until that happens.