Aria's Story

~ Chapter 14 ~

All of the memories that me and my friends shared are just plainly great and loving, but some are quite sad. They made me feel happy and loved, and for once in my life, I didn't have this pain in my chest that was begging me to give up. The thought of hurting myself didn't come when I thought about all of the mysterious and exciting times we had in the past. I didn't even feel empty anymore; I felt alive and I haven't felt that way in a very long time. It's like all the bullying and all of the sadness made me feel dead inside and it made me feel like the life inside me was taken out of me.

Now though whenever I think about them, I feel pain and somehow guilty, like our friendship was ruined because of me, and maybe it was. I don't know. I can still remember everything that happened between us all so clearly and it just breaks my heart to know that we probably will never be friends again. I didn't know what I was supposed to feel or how to act at that moment but I knew I should have done something that wouldn't have ended up where I am right now, I should have tried harder. All I could really feel at that time was pain and loneliness and the guilty feeling that I should have let them in on how I was feeling and I should probably have talked and hung out with them more. After that, I felt like my whole life was coming crashing down and I didn't know what else to do so I just kept on going with my eating disorder. When people were talking about me on Histogram, and telling me really cruel things, I couldn't breathe right and I started crying. I cried so much that I actually cried myself to sleep. The past memories aren't as bad now as they were then because things are just getting worse every day and I'm not sure how much longer I can take this pain.

I walk down the street with Nicole by my side as we make our way towards the restaurant which was an outside restaurant and I love these kinds of restaurants. We sit down at one of the tables and search through the menu that they gave us. I look down at it, scanning it and making disgusted looks at it. The food here smells good but it's also making me want to throw up and I honestly don't want to eat but Nicole convinced me to come out and eat with her for dinner. After we pick what we want to eat, we tell the waitress and she goes off and tells the cook. I look over at Nicole and smile. 

She smiles back at me and reaches her hand over towards mine and squeezes it as to say that it's gonna be okay. I nod my head in agreement even though I don't really believe that it's going to be okay. I turn my head and look at the street as cars pass by and head towards their destination. I look over at the other people around us, and that was when I noticed that Hunter was here with no one other than Emily.

I look down and when Nicole notices that, she looks over at them and sighs. She then reaches out for my hand and says, "It's okay, Aria. You don't have to feel bad about what happened. He's just a jerk," I nod, fighting the tears that were beginning to form. "I know you don't believe me and it's okay to feel that way. Just know that no matter what happens, I'm always going to be here by your side. You're my best friend and I don't want to lose you, ever."

I smile, "I know, and I don't want to lose you either."

Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it. Time is passing like a hand waving from a train that I wanted to be on. I hope you never have to think about anything as much as I think about you. Pain is a feeling nobody wants to feel, yet so many of us experience it, and sometimes it changes people for the worse.

There's that occasional night where you just break down and cry because you know that no matter what, things will never be the same again. But with me, that' occasional night is every night. When I cry about one thing, I end up crying about everything that's wrong. I care so much about everything that I feel as if I will bleed to death with the pain of it. I don't even know why I keep trying to make everything work when I know that it's never going to work out the way I want it to.