Lover | S.R.

Ophelia

When I open up my eyes, I feel a sort of calmness.

The golden sun pouring in from gaps in the curtains shines onto Spencer's face as he sleeps.

His arm is over my stomach and he's snuggled up to my side. When I move slightly to get into a more comfortable position, he whines slightly and his nose scrunches up as he snuggles back up to me.

Yesterday was difficult— to say the least.

It stirred up a lot of memories that I've been trying to forget— that I did forget for a long time. I didn't get too far into talking about my mom because Spencer could tell just how hard it was on me, but I owed him a small explanation at least.

I get why he was upset. I do.

I kept it from him— told him she was dead.

I tell everyone who gets to know me that my mom died. She's dead to me. She has been since the last time she walked out, just before my dad filed for an order of protection from her and took her name off of everything they once shared.

The hardest part of yesterday wasn't even seeing her face again after all these years.

It was my interactions with Ellie. My heart shattered when she told me that I couldn't know best because I'm 'not her mom' and 'not even around anymore'.

To top it off, she left without even saying a word to me.

I feel terrible for leaving before Ellie and Kass could get out of the house. It's obvious that Ellie needs me and misses me. I know Kass does, too, but she'd never admit it.

Gabe said something that really stuck with me, though. That I was more of a mom to them than our actual mother was. That I raised all of them.

It felt so nice to hear that. To know that he at least recognized all of the work I put in. All of the rides I gave, all of the diapers I changed, homework that I helped with, meals that I cooked.

Dad worked his ass off to keep our house, to keep up with bills and groceries. It's hard having one income and trying to feed and clothe four kids— but he did it. The least I could do was help with Gabe, Kass, and Ellie.

Spencer gave me a shoulder to cry on yesterday— literally. He held me until I cried myself out and finally fell asleep. He listened, he didn't get upset when I changed my mind about having sex.

Being vulnerable is difficult for me. Especially when it comes to being vulnerable in front of the people that I love.

I want to take care of Spencer. I don't want him to see me as weak.

He told me something the other day that played through my head all last night.

"You don't have to be strong all the time. Not with me."

It was those words that kept me from shutting down and going numb. He wants to be there for me when the going gets rough, he wants to help me through it the same way that I help him.

Spencer shifts his position and gives me a kiss on the top of my head, letting out a heavy sigh.

"Good morning," He says softly, his rough, morning voice coming out to play. "How are you feeling?"

I let out a sigh. "Ready to go home. Tomorrow morning can't come soon enough."

"What do we have planned today?"

"Just lunch with the uncles, my dad, and my siblings. At Las Vegas," I turn onto my side, making him lay on his back. "The rest of the day is free. Why?"