Lover | S.R.

Spencer

It seemed like a dream. Not a good one, either.

I replayed how she looked at me in my head the entire train ride. In those moments, I couldn't even stop it. I felt like I wasn't in control of anything I said or did, but I could see it all happening.

It was terrible.

When Ophelia cries, it's a sign she's been hurt or is hurting horribly. After our interaction this morning, there were tears in her eyes.

I fucked up. Badly.

I've only seen her cry once before. It was when I came home from Georgia after being kidnapped by Tobias Hankel.

It turns out that Emily was giving her updates. Emily told me that Lia was a wreck the entire time. She told me that the two of them had talked on the phone and Lia had sounded terrified. When I got home and opened the door, she hopped off of the couch and ran to me. She hugged me tighter than she ever has and I did just the same.

"I was so scared," She'd said into my neck, barely intelligible between her sobs and sniffles.

She cried and her entire body shook. She was clinging onto me for dear life...

I gently rubbed her back as I stayed in the tight embrace. "I'm okay, Li. I'm here, and I'm okay. I promise." I must have repeated variations of those lines over twenty times.

When she pulled away, she immediately wiped her eyes and apologized for crying. I made sure to tell her that she didn't have to be sorry for showing emotion.

This morning... seeing her expression contort with hurt after I called her a name...

It killed me. It nearly killed me.

I never want to see that look on her face again. Ever.

To top everything off, I kissed her.

Out of nowhere, I kissed her.

I don't know why.

Maybe it was because we were so close.

Maybe it was the pent up sexual tension that has been building up inside me.

That, mixed with the irrational actions that come alongside drug withdrawals...

Well, that's a recipe for disaster.

I think that that hurt her more than me calling her the b-word hurt her. Her expression after she pushed me off...

It's making my stomach hurt, it's making me feel nasty.

Her big, brown eyes... full of pain, full of disappointment. Maybe even anger, maybe betrayal.

I couldn't list all of the emotions behind those eyes if I tried, but...

She wasn't happy, and that's the gist of it.

We didn't talk about the kiss when I got home. I think it's because she's trying to forget it happened. We did have a rather meaningful chat, in which she assured me that she's got my back no matter what.

She also told me something that replayed in my mind all night.

"I know you've basically gone through your entire life having to go through hard times by yourself, but you don't have to do it alone anymore."

She's right. I do try to get through everything on my own. I never lean on anyone in my times of need.

It's mostly because I'm afraid that everyone will leave. My dad left, my mom... well, she was never really present to begin with.