FNF Senpai X Reader || Corrupted Code

Chapter 8: Thoughts

(art by krouielouie on twitter)

This wasn't anything bad, right?

Senpai falling in love wasn't wrong, right? He shouldn't be afraid to express himself, much less around them of all people. They didn't know that he was aware of his situation, they didn't know how much he truly loved them despite his coding. And they never will; at least, not with him being trapped in the game for as long as he had been. If there was a way for him to escape his reality, or drag them into his own, he wouldn't hesitate to do so. Whatever would help him get closer to them.

He was completely devoted to them, he recalls; unable to think of anything else other than him. Was something fucked up in his coding? What had they done to him? His feelings had never been this intense before, never so obsessive and foretelling a horrid future for himself if nothing is done. It felt nice, almost. Because now he knew that his feelings were true. They always were.

Even though he hated to simply watch them as they lounged around in their room, it allowed some insight into how they were as a person. They seemed so caring and introverted, almost - they didn't know much people, it seemed, which Senpai thought was great for being able to twist their words and actions in his own favour. It didn't matter that they weren't aware of anything, in fact, Senpai wished that he was, too. He just wanted to be with them. He wanted to feel their skin against his, to hold them in his arms and treat them as if they're the only thing in his world that matters.

They are.

They're his everything. Forever and until the end of time. It's not like they had a choice, right? Because he loves them.

That's why it hurt so much when they mentioned their friends. People who he didn't know, who he had never even heard about. Because they never bothered to tell him about them. Painful thoughts and scenarios had begun to plague his mind, one constant reminder after the other, reminding him that he wasn't real like they were, and he probably never would be. But every great man keeps their composure, right? So that their crush won't worry about them. However, that posed to be an issue standing in his way. He wanted them to worry about him.

Senpai wanted them to worry over him, to obsess over the mere thought of him. He wanted them to think about him every waking moment of their life; he wanted to become their everything. No matter the cost or consequence. The thought of twisting their mind and forcing a narrative that he's the only one who cared about them, was appealing. He could practically feel the way they would sob in his arms as he comforts them, treating them with care and precision.

He could never express how much he loves them. Everything that he would do for them, he could never properly express those feelings. Not without them dismissing him or brushing off his feelings as a restriction of his software and coding. Senpai never wanted to accept it, but he knew that they would never be able to love him as much as he loved them, not unless he did something dire. The situation called for something serious to be done, didn't it? So he had no choice.

Yes, Senpai would have no choice but to force himself into their life, whether they liked it or not.

Lying isn't all that bad when it's for the ones you love, after all. It's not like everything will fall apart due to his actions. Even if the game was left behind as a jumbled scrap of coding; he was still here. And that's all that mattered. As long as he was in their life, and they were in his. A few twisted words and childish outbursts meant nothing to him as long as they were by his side, both figuratively and literally. He knew that these things were bad, disgusting to even himself and for sure those that would come around him, but things had to be done.

He could learn to kiss, he can feel happiness, he can be the one for them. Isn't that what everyone wants? A loyal boyfriend that will do anything to stay by your side? Then, why does their gaze falter when they see him? Why do they treat him with uncertainty and act surprised when he calls them out on their bullshit? They treat him as if he is nothing more than lines of code restricted by software. When he's not. He had thoughts and feelings just like them. 

Senpai just couldn't be alone anymore. He was sure that some part of that spirit had manifested within him and stretched throughout his personality to create whatever it is that he had become. Or maybe, this was just his coding being cranked up to the max? That wouldn't make sense, because he remembers always feeling this way in some alteration. May it be intense or barely even there, he knew he was always like this.

Disgusting in its intensity and forceful in his actions, but it was okay. Everything would be okay no matter what happened because they're with him. He could never be alone, not again, not ever. He would be sure that they'd never leave his side or falter in their feelings toward him. Even if it brought him to his current situation.

The current situation being desperately watching them as they pace around their room, smiling at their phone as if there was someone on the other side of the digital block that sat at their fingertips. They don't even know that he can see them, they don't even know how terrified and in pain he is as he watches. He wants them to stare at him like that. He wants their undivided attention and praises no matter the circumstance. He wants to feel their soft fingertips caress along his jawline. 

He wanted them.

Senpai didn't know how this ordeal first came to fruition. He didn't even remember how or when he had become self-aware, but one thing for sure was that he wanted to be free. He needs to be free so that he can be with them so that he can be the only person that they'd ever need. Because he's in love with them, absolutely smitten by them, and will do anything to stay by their side, even if it means destroying his own world in the process.

He had emotions that he had promised to hide, that he never wanted to show, let alone around them. He always felt himself blaming (Y/N) for them rather than himself. After all, how could one human, one average and seemingly normal human, with intelligence and looks that barely combat him, be the source of his deepest thoughts and feelings? 

It never made any logical or even emotional sense. Even when he would find himself thinking about them and pondering on their next move, his mind forcing never-ending phrases of borderline worship, seething jealousy, he could never find any speck of rationality. But there was nothing he could do about it, or, at least, that's what he had told himself.

Maybe if he had caught these feelings before they got as intense as this, he would have regrets. Maybe he wouldn't be acting this way, maybe he would have been normal like he always had been in the past, but that didn't matter, now, did it? The past can never be rewritten nor can he take back all the things he had done. He has to come to terms with the fact. 

(Y/N) only has themselves to blame for the way that Senpai turned out this time. He spent so many years shouldering the blame and thinking that he was always the one in the wrong, but this time, that changes. Nothing and nobody will come to stand in his way, he would be sure of it. All he needed was for them to take a step closer.

One step closer to him.