Heart of Glass / Z.M

1: the hour before

Alina's POV

They say you never stop loving someone who meant the world at some point or that you learn to bury those feelings and move on. That it gets easier after a few months to a year but that doesn't have to be true. As hard as it was that wasn't my experience at least.

I had so much pain and hurt inside. Not to mention anger. Once I got past the sadness even if I wanted too I couldn't find the love I used to feel. I couldn't remember the good times as fondly anymore because it hits me how much of a lie something is or how it never stood a chance.

I look back sometimes but only see how young and naive I was. How I loved someone I barely knew. How attached I had gotten because I labeled him my protector in this world. I made the mistake of thinking he could have ever been something more than what he already was. Made the mistake of a young girl to think love was everything that it could withstand anything.

Could have if the both us fought for it. Now though I can see how it would have fizzled out. Either him or I would have walked away and we would have created a mess for nothing. He did us a favor but I didn't realize it at first and when I did there was just no going back.

If I knew then that it's okay to get physical without letting your emotions get involved I certainly would have never opened up the way I did. I would have kept it strictly physical only. I beat myself up sometimes but I also remember my age and know I truly didn't know any better.

Which I didn't really. Even though this is nothing close to the life I wanted when I was a teenager I can't find myself complaining anymore. I got with the program and worked hard on building trust with Derrick. On building a partnership and we've been very successful from it.

Such a weird feeling to find bits of happiness in an unhappy situation. Looking at how I live my life I realize I'm nothing like what I'd thought to be like when I was a child.

Not that there's anything wrong with who I am now precisely. Other than the fact that I'm horrendously damaged as a human being and can never live a normal life or be "normal" again.

Focus has been my best friend all these years when nothing and no one else could live up to my expectations. Instead of wasting time complaining, I picked myself up as best as I could, and moved on along. Or as Derrick likes to say, I got with the program.

Life is hard for everyone and you're dealt what you're dealt. At one point though you can take control and make something out of or just make excuses of all kinds. You can sit on the side lines waiting or you can stand the fuck up and force yourself into the game even.

I know I'm not very well liked around here but it doesn't make me lose any sleep at night. I have a life that I built on, put my blood, sweat, and tears into. I'm not happy with many things but I am happy with the life I wake up to everyday.

While it's certainly nothing of what I expected I can't complain because there is happiness there. There's happiness in the bright smiles and moments that money cannot buy. I didn't choose the man at my side but we've come to a comfortable understanding of one another. We have gone through things together in these last few years proving that in this rotten world I can at least count on him. As well as vice versa.

There are moments when I get into my head and realize how damaged I am. How I'm nothing like the girl I used to be and how I've molded myself into a character practically so I could survive. Some days it hits me that I could get up to walk away from this. Nothing or no one could stop me from doing it. Not even Derrick but I see that I can't anymore.

Living the life I do now and knowing what I do about this world. Being able to do what I have done or having the abilities to do what I do, there's just no way now for me to go back. This life isn't pleasant nor easy but the rewards are plentiful.

Have you ever been so high up that there is no way of anyone or anything coming up as well to hurt you? Being at the top isn't always so lonely but it's definitely not without it's hardships. Some days I'm more away then I am home where I like to be. My house now is my sanctuary away from the madness of the life I live. But everything has a price even creating a heaven on earth and preserving it.

Nothing in life is free and even the security that claims to protect me could always be bought out by an enemy. So it goes without a saying that my way of living does cost me more than just monetary value.

Today is one of those days where I have to perform and make deals with men I don't want to make deals with. Sadly in order to persevere the peace and keep things running on our end we need cooperation from others. Just long enough to get them comfortable and eliminated in the end is what it usually comes down too.

Lei Stalin has been very insistent with getting together with us, and rather than having him come here, I'd very much go meet him somewhere public. Just so no one has any ideas of doing anything stupid. I'm guilty of being impulsive as well so it's better all around.

I'm greatly curious as to why this man has been very insistent these past two months for a meeting. We aren't open to any new partnerships nor are we interested but it's better to show face than have people talking around.

Derrick couldn't get him to see just him so it really caught my attention. We've done extensive background checks and while he seems harmless his interest is alarming to me. My husband doesn't think so but he's not very intuitive if I'm honest.

Something tells me that bigger things are actually going on. I just don't know it yet.

A/N: What do you think Leí wants? 👀 Not everything is what it seems. Just wait! Promise I won't keep you waiting long, update this weekend sound good? 😘