Reasons To Live✔

28

T/W su!cide

"What the fuck, Elyse!" My dad screeches from the kitchen, behind the counter. I silently sit on the bar stool and stare at the floor.

"Language," my mother mumbles from the other side of the room.

"I don't care right now," he screams at my mother, his face red in the face as he glares at me.

"Love, she's your daughter, don't shout like that," she says, as she stands up from the chair and walks over to my heavily breathing father.

"Leave it, dear, she had it coming," he hisses before pulling his arm away from her tight grasp and storming up the stairs.

The tension fills the room, my mother looks like she's about to say something but when my eyes meet her grey sleepy ones her lips turn into a thin line. Slowly, I turn on my heel and start to walk towards the door.

"Where are you going?" She says, awkwardly and stuttering before clearing her throat.

"Out," I shrug.

"I don't think that's the best idea," she softly says, rushing towards me. "I think it'd be best you stay in the house, your father wouldn't be happy if you left right now. Why don't you go upstairs? To your bedroom? Just for today?" She forces a weak smile.

I slowly nod, undoing my boots and sliding then back onto the rack. I hate how she was right. She didn't say anything more, instead walking back to the kitchen. Silently, I pace back to my bedroom, quietly closing the door behind me.

I lay on my bed, my eyes staring up at the bland ceiling but my mind full of thoughts and my chest aching. It's not long until that darkness just consumes me, my eyes slowly get heavy and not merely 5 minutes later I'm in a deep sleep.

I wake up to loud shouting, almost being covered up by the buzzing of my phone next to me. I ignore the shouting and turn over to my phone. I slide it off the bedside table, my eyes focusing on the bright screen and Josh's name. My finger hovers over the accept button, but as the ringing fills my ears I quickly deny the call and slide it under my pillow when I hear the heavy footsteps getting closer and closer. I close my eyes for a second, a second until my door swings open.

"Elyse, downstairs now," my dad bellows. I nod, rolling out the bed and following him down the stairs. He huffs with each move.

"Why didn't you tell us?" My mother immediately asks, I don't say anything.

"She isn't gonna tell us, maybe we should call a doctor," my father abruptly says.

"I'm sorry," I finally say.

"Is this because of Josh? You tried to-"

"Please don't say it," my mother stops him, grabbing his arm. His body becomes slightly less tense at her touch.

"We're your parents, you're meant to tell us when you feel depressed or attempt anything so we can make sure you're safe," my mother whispers, one of her hands on the counter, edging towards mine.

"You're being too nice to her, darling," I hear my father mumble.

"I'm not being too nice to her, I'm being a good parent and caring about her mental health, it's obviously not good so instesd of shouting I'm offering protection to her," she responds, my eyes flicker between the two. He holds a face of defeat.

"You should've told us," he finally says, in a switch of tone. "If you feel like that, I don't want you to hide it, not with us. You're our daughter, we don't want to lose you," he continues, a small forced smile on his face. At the mention of their sadness, my eyes start to water.

"Do you want to tell us what made you feel like that?" She asks, I shake my head.

"Not yet."

They glance at each other, I feel guilty. I can see the anger being forced down in my father.

"I'm sorry," I repeat.

She sighs.

"We care about you, don't do anything like that again. We'll contact a doctor and see what we can do," my father forces out, I can see his face twitching at the inability to shout at me.

"I need to talk to your father, go upstairs," she says after a moment of silence. I nod, wanting to get away from his angry face. Quickly, I rush up the stairs, stray tears rolling down my face and an aching pain in my chest.

But awkwardness too, having to talk to your parents about that when you're never really close to them. It's so hard.

I close the door behind me quietly, looking out the window at the sun-setting sky emitting an orange glow through the trees onto my walls. I shrug off the warm feeling and walk towards my phone, I slide it out from under my pillow and glance down at the already glowing screen. 6 texts.

Josh
5:52PM
Why did you deny the call? Everything okay?

Josh
6:05PM
You're worrying me, did I do something? Is this because I didn't want a relationship? I'm trying my hardest to fix myself but I need time.

Josh
6:07PM
I'm sorry, I don't know what's going on but I'm worried.

Josh
6:27PM
Text me when you can.

Josh
6:28PM
If not, have a goodnight and I'll talk to you soon.

Josh
7:01PM
I'm not gonna give up though.

Josh
7:28PM
Your mum called me, asked if I knew anything. I told her the partial truth, that I knew you were going through something and that you tried. I'm sorry, please don't be mad. They're your parents so have authority. They care about you, they have good intentions. She was so sad, she really cares about you.

I type a small message, but I never send it. I delete it after hovering my finger over the send button. I wish I could tell him what's going on but not right now. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe when I'm not a mess.

I place my phone on the desk in front of the window and sit down on the spinny desk chair, I spin around a few times, my eyes glancing on the tree outside for a brief second each time. After, I open my laptop and start playing 'Papers, Please,' and I play that for a while. I don't know why I choose that game but I do. And I play it for a while.

In fact until my phone starts buzzing again, I don't even glance down at it but instead take it as a signal to shut down the game. I stand up from the chair and close the window blowing in the soft air and curtains over the tiny bit of moonlight shining in.

A minute later the phone stops buzzing, but it buzzes once more after. Hesitantly, I open the phone and slide the notification of one missed call away and open the text message from Josh.

Josh
10:59PM
Number twenty-eight: People care.

--

Dedicaton: people with stricter parents.
I wanted to focus on a smaller group of people, I have very strict parents. When I tried, they weren't the happiest to say the least.

So to everyone who has strict parents I wanted to let you know that they don't get to define you. You get to live your life how you want. They don't get to control you. Thank for them for what they've done then live your life because that's what you deserve.

You can accomplish so much, with or without them.

Don't forget your worth.