eccendentesiast | spencer reid

chapter twelve

i take a seat, taking some deep breaths, trying to prepare myself for the scolding i know i'm going to get.

"why were you at a court case? and more importantly why did you testify and not let the bureau know?" he asks.

i stay silent, keeping my gaze down.

"i-i went for a friend" i lie, not even noticing that my eyebrow twitched, my tell.

"y/l/n i know you're lying. i'm giving you one last chance to tell me the truth before this problem becomes one of the director. what were you doing at casey browns court case?" he says sternly, his voice the most stern you've ever heard it.

"i-" you begin, looking anywhere in his office but his eyes. when you finally do look in his eyes you find them already looking at you expectantly.

"i was- i was testifying to keep him in prison. where he belongs" you plainly state.

"why?" he asks you.

it feels as though someone is repeatedly kicking your head, the pounding of it getting louder until you can't bare it anymore. it's like there's a voice yelling at you in your head, telling you you failed, that you failed as a daughter, as an fbi agent and as a person in general.

"because he killed my mom!" you exclaim at him, standing up at your sudden outburst a little too quickly, dizziness taking over. you sit back down, grasping the arm of the chair you're sitting in, focusing on the photo of jack on hotch's desk to keep your focus on something other than the spinning and pounding of your head.

"y/n... why did you never tell me? or the team?" hotch asks as he sits on the sit next to you, placing a comforting hand on your shoulder.

you hesitantly look up at him before looking away.

"because it's- it wasn't supposed to be like this" you tell him. he looks at you, waiting for you to elaborate.

"i've wanted to be either an officer or even FBI my whole life, when- when my mom died i thought my dreams were over... but i did it for her, to make her happy. i-i help people who have killed because of their abusive fathers but yet here i am, having lived the same life" you explain, looking down at your already destroyed cuticles from the worries of this court case.

"y/n you can't blame yourself for this. believe it or not you have helped people, you have made a change" he tells you.

"well, it doesn't matter. he got out. my testimony wasn't enough and now him and cat get to live happily ever after" you give a humourless laugh at the thought of cats crazy delusion that he'll actually want anything to do with her.

"cat?" hotch asks you.

"his daughter... my half sister. she uh, she testified on his behalf that my mom was the abusive one and that my dad killed her in self defence and apparently my dad told her so" you finish off, standing up and smoothing down your slacks before getting ready to leave.

"y/l/n, wait" hotch stops you abruptly.

you turn around, looking at him expectantly.

"this is against protocol but... i'm sure the team would be on board to go over some evidence against your dad, see what we can do" he tells you, a small smile appearing on his face at the sight of some relief leaving your shoulders.

"really? y-you would go against protocol?" you ask, completely shocked that the aaron hotchner, the goody unit chief would go against protocol.

"y/n you're an outstanding agent and the last thing i want is your mind distracting you. i've seen what personal problems can do a person when they aren't dealt with, i don't want that happening to you" hotch tells you as he walks over to you and places a gentle hand on your shoulder.