Insomnia || L.S ✔

18. Christmas

AN: I'm sorry for not updating in so long. This long ass chapter is my apology. Sorry if it's really boring.

Apparently I can't download gifs from Pinterest anymore so I can't put them in the chapters anymore.

It's finally Christmas! The happiest and most waited time of the year. The time for hope and love and family.

Except this year it isn't all happy. Niall still hasn't talked to me at all and trust me, I've tried.

I've tried everything in my power. I try to talk to him every single day but he just ignores me.

I've tried explaining everything to him. When I told him about me helping Louis with his disorder he got even more mad.

I think the main reason he's so angry at us is because he feels betrayed. He's sad and disappointed that we didn't tell him sooner.

This year will be the first time Zayn and I spend Christmas alone. Every year mum has been sober at Christmas so she spent it with us.

It was basically the only time I actually felt like I had a mother. It was the only time I felt like she actually cared about us.

I remember Christmas a few years ago. Mum was sober for the first time in months. I was over the moon.

We baked cookies together and I helped her make dinner. We talked the whole day and she told me how much she loves and misses us. I didn't even remember the last time I had been that happy.

And she even gave us both a present that day. It wasn't anything big, just a teddy bear, but it meant so much to me. I started crying immediately from happiness.

That bear helped me through so much. I used to cuddle with it every night until Ross broke it. He literally ripped it apart. That was the day I truly started hating him.

Who was he to just come into our lives and ruin them? He made our mum use aging. He started fights with us. He broke one of my few sources of comfort. He abused me. He ruined our family and I will never forgive him for that.

You know what's the worst part? He never apologized for anything. He said that everything he did was my fault.

He said that mum was so disgusted with me that she had to start using again. That he had to beat the gay out of me. That it was my fault our family broke apart.

In some ways I believe him. It was my fault that Zayn and I had to leave. If I wasn't so stupid he wouldn't have beaten me.

Okay enough with all the sad stuff. Let's talk about the good things in my life now.

Zayn. Through all of this mess that we call life he has been with me. He's always been there for me and hopefully always will be. I love him so so so much.

He has helped me through every step of my life. He was there when I went to school. He was there to protect me when I got bullied. He was there for me all those nights when I was crying in my room because mum and Ross were fighting. He was there for me when I was confused about my sexuality because I liked a boy. He was there for me when I came out. And now he's been there for me when I got my first boyfriend and fell in love.

Louis. God where do I even begin? I love him. He's now a major part of my life and one of the most important people to me. He is the love of my life.

Some people can say that there is no way I can say that. But trust me, what I feel for him is most definitely love. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else but him.