Monster or Angel - Alec Lightwood

11 - Confessions to a Friend

After yet another cry today I walk out of my room and head back to the ops center. Now that I've cried it's time to remember that I'm a Shadowhunter. Emotions cloud judgement and I need to learn to get over myself. Shit happens and I just have to deal and move on. So here's to moving on I guess.

"We have to put a stop to this." I hear Izzy's voice from the other side of the ops center. I walk over to see her standing by Alec and Jace as they watch Meliorn's interrogation of the screens in front of them.

"Yeah, well, enjoy portaling back to Idris with mom and dad." Alec says and I watch as Izzy glares at him.

"Meliorn is here because of me." Iz says. I stand behind the three of them watching over their shoulders.

"Alec is right. There's nothing we an do to stop this interrogation." Jace says. Izzy is about to reply, but she stops and I watch her move her hand to her parabatai rune. I quickly take a hold of my shaky hand and purse my lips. Can she tell that I'm craving yin fen? I shake my head. No, she's probably wondering where I am, that's all.

"Let's just hope he doesn't know who has the Cup." I say only so Izzy knows that I'm here with her. The three give me a look, but as Jace and Alec look back at the screen, Izzy keeps her attention on me.

"What's wrong?" She asks me which gains the boys' attention once again.

"Nothing, I'm fine." I reply praying to God that she doesn't know about the yin fen. What would I even tell them if she was on to me? But maybe this is the opportunity to tell them about my past addiction. I mean, I don't have to worry about whether it will stop Alec ever loving me because now I know that he won't love me. I clench my jaw as I look at Iz, now is not the time nor place to discuss my past.

"Mae, I can feel your pain." Izzy says and I feel my body freeze. She can feel the cravings. Or can she just feel my heart break?

"I'm fine, just drop it." I mutter ignoring the looks I'm getting from Alec and Jace.

"No, I've never felt this kind of pain from you. What's wrong?" She presses, but I don't have the patients.

"I said drop it!" I shout louder than I had intended. My hand shakes in my grip and I take a breath not liking the worried looks I'm getting from my family. "I'm gonna-" I start, but I just walk off not wanting to be there anymore. I really need to get over myself, blowing up on people isn't going to fix or change anything so I need to stop. I just need everything to stop.

————

I grunt as I slam my fists against the punching back in front of me. The only time where everything is numbed is when I'm training. I don't care that my shoulder is throbbing in pain, I'd rather feel that pain than feel the heart break or the cravings.

I hear footsteps head towards me and I ignore it as I continue hitting the material as hard as I can.

"Maelys, what is going on?" I hear Izzy ask from behind me.

"It's nothing, Iz. I'm fine." I grunt as I land one final hit before turning to my parabatai. I rub my shoulder gently as I look at her. "What happened during Meliorn's interrogation?" I ask.

"No. You're going to tell me what's going on and then I'll tell you what happened with the interrogation." Izzy says stubbornly as she looks at me. I stare back at her and I feel my hands shake, I just pray she hasn't noticed. "Is this to do with Alec?" She asks and I roll my eyes. I walk to the side of the room and snatch up my towel.

"Izzy, seriously just drop it." I sigh as I dry my forehead of the towel.

"Mae, it's okay to be upset about his engagement. I know you like him." Izzy says.