Monster or Angel - Alec Lightwood

23 - Sleeping Beauty

Numb. That's the only word I can use to begin to describe how I'm feeling right now. And even that seems so far away from my true emotions. I can't feel them, I can't feel anything at all. But I am acutely aware of how little control I have over the amount I'm shaking, and I can feel Izzy's hand on my arm, so maybe numb isn't the best word. Hollow. It's as if with each passing minute, more and more is chipped away, deepening this void inside. I've never felt pain like this utter emptiness.

Magnus arrived not long after my call and he sprang into action the instant he walked through Alec's bedroom door. Though how long he's been here is lost to me. Minutes? Hours? Days? I honestly couldn't say, all I can comment is that Alec hasn't woken. He's muttered odd words, as if he's so deep in sleep he can't acknowledge anything but his dreams. And each time I hear him breathe those words my heart clenches, praying that his eyes will flutter open. But he never does, and that chips away further at the ever-growing void within.

Izzy is sat on the bed, right next to her brother, hand gripping my arm whilst I stand beside her. I haven't moved an inch since my call with Magnus, not even to lift my head to watch Magnus' magic. I couldn't, can't, because just looking at Alec kills me. He might not ever wake up. He went in knowing that he could die and he didn't hesitate, and that hurts.

Of course, I understand why. For Izzy, I'd kill myself without a second thought. But it hurts because there are so many words left unspoken between us. So much has happened since we became romantic and we haven't been able to speak or express our emotions for one another. I have so much to say, yet the longer I stare at him unconscious the more I start to believe that I'll never be able to say them.

The grip on my arm shifts as Izzy moves her hand into mine. Her mouth moves as if she's talking, yet no sound seems to come out. I hadn't even noticed that I've been blocking out all noise, but I know that I must be because Izzy speaks again as though she's in conversation. And then, her eyes go wide and shoot to me.

"Maelys," she says squeezing my hand to gain my attention.

I can't muster any words, but I turn to her. And as soon as I do I can see the hope in her eyes.

"Mae, did you hear what Magnus said? Jace might be the cure to wake Alec," Iz says.

All I do is blink. For what am I supposed to say? Jace is missing. Gone. If he is our one hope at waking Alec then there truly is no world in which Alec will hold me again. Or speak to me. Or simply smile... By the Angel, what I would do to see him smile just once more.

"Peanut," Magnus mutters, waving his hand to the side to draw a chair to the bed. "Why don't you sit?"

Izzy tugs on my hand, guiding me to the chair. I fall into it, collapse may be the better word for how my legs crumble beneath me. Izzy is on me the instant I'm down, both of her hands cupping my cheeks. She smiles, not a full smile. The one she always uses when she's trying to reassure me.

"Mae, stay here with Magnus and Alec. I-I'm going to find Jace and fix this. I'm going to fix this. I promise you, Parabatai."

Izzy looks at me for a second of hesitancy, her eyes flickering over my face. She leans in, pressing a firm kiss to my forehead before releasing me and stepping away.

"Look after them. I'll be back soon," she says.

My eyes are locked onto Alec when I hear the door close behind her. He murmurs again, softly, incoherently. But at least he's still here. Somewhere in his mind.

"Maelys, you should talk through those thoughts instead of bottling them up," Magnus says gently. He moves to the opposite side of the bed so that he can look at me, his hands continuing to guide his magic onto Alec.