The Path Back to You | Levi x OC

Chapter 27 - Anchored

Erwin

A cool hand pressed against his cheek, and he fought to open his eyes.
"Erwin, calm down!"
At last, his lids flickered open. Anastasya was kneeling next to him, concern etched across her pale face. It seemed that he had fallen from his bed, and he now found himself to be lying on the hard, wooden floor, back in the darkness of his room.
"Anastasya," he gasped, taking deep, shuddering breaths.
"It was just a nightmare," she told him, smoothing back his sweat-soaked hair. "It wasn't real. Come on; let's get up off this floor."
She shifted, moving painfully slowly as she got to her feet. He heard as her breath caught in her throat, and he forced himself up as quickly as possible so as to save her the trouble of helping him. He sat on the edge of his bed and took comfort from her presence as she sat beside him. He knew that he was crying silent tears, and he knew that she was aware of it. He reached out his remaining hand and placed it over hers, not daring to take his gaze off of the floor. For a long while, they simply sat in silence amongst the shadows. He was grateful that she didn't push him to speak as he tried to process what he had just dreamt. It had caused an enormous storm of emotions within him, and he felt as though he was fast heading to a dark and desperate place. At last, he plucked up the courage to speak again.
"I'm sorry."
"I know."
He glanced at her.
"You don't know what I'm sorry for."
"Yes, I do. You're sorry that I had to leave my bed and come in here to help you when I should be resting, and you're especially sorry for how you spoke to me earlier, because you know that it was a load of shit that you felt obliged to say in order to keep me safe, which, given what we do for a living, is utterly futile."
He sighed. She had read him like a book, just as she always did.
"Yes," he agreed. "I'm sorry for hurting you. Anastasya... You didn't deserve what I said at all. I should have been thanking you for saving my life. I should have expressed how honoured I feel that you include me as part of your family."
A bemused smile pulled at her lips.
"Of course I include you as part of my family."
He managed to return her smile, albeit bashfully.
"Was I very loud?"
"Quite loud, but I couldn't sleep anyway so you didn't disturb me. I don't think anyone else heard, save for the guards outside, but... You were calling my name."
He flinched.
"Oh..."
"Mm... Erwin, what did you dream about?"
Whilst he didn't want to lie to her, nor did he particularly want to recount his embarrassing, in-dream visions. He sighed and bowed his head, reasoning that he owed her an explanation of sorts.
"I dreamt that you and I were on a beach."
"A beach? With sand?" she asked, her bright, jewel-like eyes widening at the thought.
"Yes. Just like in the book I showed you all those years ago."
"Oh... With the ocean?!"
"That's right. It was night, and you wanted to go swimming," he said, doing his best to skip over their imaginary intimacy. However, he suspected that she had more than an inkling of what might have happened.
"You wanted me to chase after you like you did when we were younger, and so you ran into the sea and swam away, and I followed you but...before I could reach you, my..." he shut his eyes for a moment, steeling himself, and then met her gaze.
"My arm disappeared. I started drowning and you tried to reach me, but I got knocked back to the shallows and you got swept further out. It was... It was then that a Titan emerged from the waves. It grabbed you. Neither of us had our equipment and there was nothing that I could do. I had to watch as it slaughtered you right in front of me. The next thing I knew, you were here with me on the floor."
Anastasya was silent for a long while, and she slowly and carefully leant into him, resting her head on his shoulder. She released a sigh that seemed to carry the collective sorrow of every single soul in the walls.
"Oh, Erwin. You know that what you dreamt...is normal, don't you?"
"Is it?" he asked wearily.
"Of course it is. Losing your arm...it's hardly just another scrape or broken bone, is it? It's a traumatic experience, one that will affect you forever. It doesn't make you any less of a person, though. Of a commander. Your nightmare is a direct result of your trauma, of longing for what you don't have. It's also an expression of your insecurity, I think. You want to protect me, and yet you don't know if you truly can."
"That sounds about right."
"I think you can, though. Protect me, I mean. And everyone else, for that matter. So remember, Erwin, that even if you don't have faith in yourself, I always will. So will Levi."
He shifted slightly to look down at her, and she tilted her head up.
"I was so afraid, Anastasya. I don't know what I'd do if we lost you again."
"Hopefully you won't have to find out, but... The way that you feel is exactly the way that I feel, too. It wouldn't be fair if you, Levi, or Hange gambled with your lives while I stayed safely behind. I'm a soldier, and not a bad one at that. I have to play my part, regardless of how terrifying it is. I knew the risks when I joined."
"I know," he said.
He felt pride swell within him, hearing her talk in such a way. While he wanted to keep her safe more than anything, he knew that he would be doing her a disservice were he to try and keep her sheltered.
"How are you feeling now?"
"Strange," she said, frowning. "My wounds will heal, of course, but I feel as though change is coming, too fast for us to fully contend with."
"I feel it, too. I think there are plots within plots within plots, and we're only just starting to scratch the surface."
"It almost makes me miss the simplicity of life beyond the walls."
"Are you all right? Truly," he asked, remembering that her determination to go with him to fetch Eren hadn't simply been for his benefit. "I can't begin to imagine what it was like, but... Most of the time you act as though you never left. I know you, though, Anastasya. I know it's not like that."
She seemed to struggle to reply for a while. Her expression darkened, and she took his hand in hers once more, as though it comforted her.
"I don't think I'm okay," she confessed, her voice thick with emotion.
He increased his grip on her hand.
"I feel like I have to keep myself busy or else I start to think about everything. And here I am, analysing your nightmare, but... I have plenty of my own to contend with these days, even more than I did before. That's why my hand was bandaged last week; I punched a wall, believing that I was hitting a Titan as I tried to get it to drop me. And the strangest thing was that it spoke."
She went to scrub at her face but stopped herself.
"Maybe they really can, as Ilse said. I don't know. I have trouble distinguishing between nightmares and reality, now. I... I was terrified when I saw Eren and Annie in the city, despite knowing that one of them was on our side. And that damned Titan in the wall. When I got back here, I wasn't sure how to feel anymore. I liked being independent, not having to live by the rules, not having to get caught up in the politics and the desperation of what's left of our pitiful society. Life was simpler, but it was lonelier and scarier, and I just wanted to have Levi, you, and Hange by my side. When I saw the walls again, I felt... Part of me didn't want to come back. It all felt so claustrophobic, but I mainly felt...relieved. I placed my faith in these walls, even though I knew it was a stupid thing to do, because after being out there without protection for so long, to me they represented such safety and hope. I'd never felt that way before; you know that I've always had my doubts about the walls and being penned in like animals," she said with a bitter laugh.
"But out there, on my own, I never once felt safe or relaxed. I lived in constant fear, without a moment's relief."
She took a shuddering breath.
"My heart...it beats so fast sometimes, like I've got a wild animal thrashing about in my chest, yet there's no discernible reason for it. It's like I go into fight or flight mode, and I just can't control it. Sometimes I think...sometimes I think I just need to stop feeling anything. To numb myself somehow. It'd be easier that way."
He could hardly stand the pain in her eyes. He could feel her body trembling next to his, and he took his hand from hers and instead pulled her to him, wrapping his arm around her.
"Never numb yourself with us, Anastasya," he told her, rubbing her arm. "You're one of the strongest people that I've ever known, and you're going to feel like you again, but you need to give yourself time. You're not alone any more. Whenever it becomes too much, or you need to talk, I'll be there, just like Levi and Hange will."
"Well, that goes for you, too," she told him, sniffling. "Whenever you need me, I'll be there. Just like old times."
Gratitude tugged at his lips, and they remained sitting together until he realised that Anastasya had drifted off to sleep. As carefully as possible, he laid her down in his bed and pulled the cover over her, before debating with himself as to whether he should take the chair or go to her room. He wanted to stay, but his body was crying out for rest. He made as if to leave, but he paused, his hand on the doorknob. He turned back to look at her, lingering on her long, moonlight-white hair as it fanned across the pillow, and he just barely stopped the words that he so desperately wanted to utter from escaping into the beckoning silence. With great reluctance, he ventured next door and slipped into another dream, this time without a single Titan in sight.