The Path Back to You | Levi x OC

Chapter 68 - Embers

Anastasya

Levi had wrenched Anya from the darkness that'd been slowly devouring her. He needed her, and that was enough to reveal the embers in her soul. She wasn't sure for how long those embers would stay lit or if they'd ever be strong enough to grow and burn brightly and fiercely again, but she had to hold on to whatever was left. She had to use them to keep her going, to share whatever fading warmth remained. She stepped back and took Levi's face between frozen fingers.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I haven't been there for you. It... It's not just my loss alone. I didn't mean to make you hurt or for you to worry about me."
"You don't need to be sorry," he said, his voice raw. "I know there was nothing you could do. You needed time. You still do."
She sighed and brushed his lips with her own. The last time she'd seen him so distraught had been when his friends, Isabel and Furlan, had been ripped apart by Titans just after the three of them had joined the Scouts. He'd blamed Erwin for that, and she'd had to stop him from killing him. Just as she hadn't back then, she wouldn't abandon him now. She lowered her hands and sat on the bed. Levi joined her.
"I think... I think he'd accepted death," she said quietly. "He often said it was the easier option, didn't he? As though living, as though trying to make our dream come true, was the real burden. You set him free from that. When you told him to give up on it and sacrifice himself, to lead everyone to hell...he was relieved."
"I guess it's like Kenny said. Everyone...is a slave to something. Erwin was a slave to that damn dream," said Levi, staring down at his hands.
"It's true. He managed to convince himself that it coincided with furthering humanity; that was how he justified everything he did, often foregoing his own humanity in the process, but...the guilt of it all... It plagued him. There were so many times where I had to push him forward, to fight back the shame he felt. He was suffering and after fulfilling the dream...I really don't know what would have been left."
"You."
She looked at him questioningly, and Levi sighed.
"You've always been the only real obstacle in the way of the vow you both made. Unlike Erwin, though, you kept your humanity. You put those you care about first, above the dream, above the truth, above even freedom. The damn idiot regretted ever letting you go."
"Does that bother you?"
"No," he replied. "He made his choice, and you made yours."
"A choice I've never, for a second, questioned."
He tilted her chin up so she looked at him, his grey eyes full of conviction.
"I don't doubt it."
She offered him a smile, though she knew it was feeble.
"What is it?" he asked.
"I'm grateful that he doesn't have to fight anymore. That he doesn't have to make more sacrifices, losing more and more of himself for the sake of everyone else." She paused, almost too ashamed to continue. "Despite that, though, I... I'm angry. I don't know if I can face the kids. It's part of the reason I haven't been speaking. There's just this...this rage inside of me, and I don't know if I can stop it. Why did he have to die at all? Why didn't he listen to us and stay behind? Why didn't Armin leave the wall before it was too late, like I told him to? Why didn't Eren and Mikasa try to save Erwin, just once? Why did Jean and Conny not fight for him? Why... Why did Floch bring him to us?"
"You have to get rid of it," he told her. "I know it's hard but they're just kids. None of them asked for this, and they're going to need you."
"For what?"
"For rebuilding the Scouts. For guiding them in what to do next."
"I don't know if I can do it, Levi. Carry on as a Scout, I mean."
"Huh?" He lowered his hand from her face, a frown pulling at his features. "What do you mean, you don't know if you can carry on as a Scout?"
"I mean that after fifteen years or so of being in the Survey Corps, I'm tired. I've witnessed thousands of brave men and women die in the most horrific ways possible and now Erwin's gone, I'm struggling to find the point. He's the reason we both joined, after all."
Levi stood up, and she sensed the frustration rising within him.
"You don't get to quit," he told her. "Not now. You're not the only one that's seen shit over the years. Hange and I have seen plenty, too. If any of us give up, that's the regiment done for. There's no one left to replace us."
She shrugged. The darkness was creeping in again, warping whispers of emotions into ideas she'd never normally consider.
"I fulfilled my vow. I don't have any reason to stay, to lose yet more people."
Levi's eyes widened.
"So you're happy to let humanity rot behind these walls? You're happy to just sit and wait until disaster strikes again, rather than going out to try and stop it once and for all?" He shook his head. "This isn't like you. We still have to find out what the books by Doctor Jaeger say. Why we're trapped here like birds in a cage when the rest of the world lives free, and then we have to damn well do something about it. It's like Erwin said - we have to give meaning to the lives of those who died for us. That includes Erwin's life, too."
She hung her head. He was right, and Erwin's own words imploring her to continue echoed in her mind, but she was so very tired. The thought of rounding up more people, training them, getting to know them, to care about them, and then sending them to their deaths in the hopes that it might contribute to humanity's survival and the quest for freedom made her feel sick to the soul. However, without the Scouts, what was there for her? Levi and Hange were her only remaining family and neither of them would quit. Sitting back and watching them risk their lives from the side lines when she could be helping or even saving them would be a betrayal of the worst kind, given all they'd been through together. The Survey Corps was her life, and had been for a long time. Without it, she didn't know who she was. She ran a hand through her hair.
"I know you're right, and I know that if I ever were to quit I'd just come running straight back. I certainly don't want all of the deaths and heartache and sacrifice to be for nothing. Our mission doesn't just stop now that we know the truth. Let's see what Hange finds out and keep moving forward."
He stilled and blinked at her.
"That's better. You had me shitting myself for a minute there."
She managed to laugh, just a little, and her stomach growled.
"I guess I should eat something."
"Yeah. Do you want to go to the dining hall, or should I bring something up?"
Despite the risk of running into the 104th, she was desperate to escape the confines of her room.
"Let's go to the dining hall. I'm going to bathe first, though."
"I'll be back in half an hour."

***

Levi

In the corridor outside, Levi released a deep sigh of relief. Anya was on the path back to him, though her wavering faith in the Scouts was concerning. He sought out Hange and found her in the library. She looked up from the book she was reading as he walked over.
"How did it go?"
"It went well," he said. "She's bathing right now, and then she's agreed to try and eat something."
Hange closed her eye, her shoulders dropping as she relaxed.
"Thank goodness. How do you feel?"
"Better."
"Good. You need one another."
"Hey... We're here for you, too, Hange. Don't forget that."
She nodded her gratitude.
"Where are the brats?" he asked.
"I said they could stop for the night, so I guess they're either eating or in their rooms. Armin's down in the cells keeping Eren and Mikasa company."
"I don't know if she's ready to see them yet."
"Huh?"
"She's still angry."
He recounted what Anya had told him about the fury she was trying to keep hidden. Hange frowned.
"That's...worrying."
"She's going to have to get over it," he said.
"Yeah... Especially if she accepts my offer."
"Huh?"
"I want to name her as the next Commander."
He narrowed his eyes. Considering she'd just been talking about quitting, putting that responsibility upon her would either pull her in closer or push her away completely.
"Have you forgotten all of the arguments? Every time Erwin tried to name her his successor in the past, or even to make her a section commander, she refused. With a passion."
"I know, and I wish she hadn't been so stubborn." She sighed. "But the situation has changed a lot since those days. I have no idea where to start. She knew Erwin and how his mind worked better than anyone. She should be the Commander now, but I know she won't do it; not yet. And so naming her as successor is the best I can do, but if she has an issue with a third of the Scouts... That could prove problematic."
"Tsk. A third of the Scouts. Three people. How pathetic."
"That's another reason I need her. We need to have the biggest recruitment drive in history. You know how good she is at all that stuff."
"Yeah. I'll talk to her about it. Are you going to join us?"
"I don't know. I've nearly finished the second book. I have to have a report ready by the end of tomorrow, and there's still so much to get through. It's insane, Levi."
"Are you actually going to tell me anything, or are you going to keep me waiting?"
"The problem is if I tell you one thing, I have to tell you ten more things for it to make sense. It's better if you just wait, I think."
"Whatever you say. We'll be in the hall in twenty minutes."
He returned to Anya's room as she was combing through her damp hair.
"Where were you?"
"I went to see how Hange is getting on with the books we found."
"Has she said much about them?"
"Not yet."
He went into the bathroom and splashed his face with water, drying it in the doorway. He studied Anya, glad that she'd started to take care of herself again. She now wore black leather trousers and a black blouse. Mourning black, he supposed. She plaited her long, platinum hair to the side and stood.
"Ready?" he asked.
She nodded, and they made their way to the dining hall. He prayed none of the brats were there; for their sakes more than hers.