𝖇𝖚𝖗𝖓 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖙𝖔𝖜𝖊𝖗 ♡ 𝕞𝕠𝕞𝕠𝕛𝕚𝕣𝕠 𝕗𝕒𝕟𝕥𝕒𝕤𝕪 𝕒𝕦 [✓]

How to Not Kidnap a Princess

Hello, and welcome back to this fantasy AU! This chapter is narrated to you by Yaoyorozu. Enjoy! Warning: more swearing than is appropriate for a Princess.

I am very insulted for three reasons.

One, a scheming lying lesbian ruffian has kidnapped me and made several smart-ass comments that are funny but should not be. She has proceeded to get us captured by a troll thing. My royal arse is bruised because of this. Apparently, however, this is just a 'minor inconvenience'. She has also taken my ruby. If she was to consult any text on the matter, she'd realise this is not the correct way to kidnap a Princess.

Two, this troll insists it is in fact a giant and claims we will be its dinner. Despite my protests that Princesses taste far too rich to be part of a stew, I am currently being covered in garlic. A certain scheming lying lesbian ruffian is undergoing the same treatment, but she may as well not be there because she has not called forth even one courtier to defend my innocence, or summoned a knight in shining armour to rescue me.

Three, my fairy godmother is drunk.

I stare at her. She's stumbling right in front of my eyes, still clutching a bottle of liquor in a hand. I sniff, and she finally realises there's someone in front of her. I can see her eyes wavering, trying to focus. She wobbles forward and taps my nose. "Y'need anythin'?" she slurs.

"Several things, and it don't look like you're going to help with any of them," the ruffian informs her. She catches me glaring at her, and grins. "Aw, don't worry Princess. I still got two days before that idiot comes to annoy me about deadlines."

"I don't think anybody will be annoying you about deadlines in two days," I say. "Considering you'll already be dead."

She whistles a tune. "Didn't think Princesses were allowed to be so pessimistic."

I glower. No point wasting my last words on this bitch.

"Oi, Mr. Giant, how's the soup going?" she asks. "D'you mind if I taste some of the shit that's so good it's gonna cost me my life?"

"Go ahead, you'll burn your tongue." The troll stomps over to our table. I hold my breath as he hands the ruffian a small spoon full of soup. She nods a thank you and sips it.

"Pretty good for a bachelor," she declares, sitting up. Her hands are bound in rope behind her back. "But there are quite a few things you're missing. Would you mind opening that cupboard over there?" Troll shrugs and opens the cupboard. "I believe that's where you keep your potatoes. You always need potatoes in soup."

"Wha'sshe doin'?" My fairy godmother peers at her.

"Just go away," I sigh. She puffs into sparkly blue dust, leaving behind nothing but a foul-smelling burp. I turn my eyes back to the ruffian. If she's going to do something that'll kill us quicker, I want to know what it is at least.

The troll has put potatoes in the soup and is trying a spoonful. "You're right, it is much better. Anything else?"

"Several things." She smirks and points around the kitchen, listing foods as she does so. "Oh, and don't forget to taste the soup between adding each ingredient, just in case you don't like it, Mr. Giant. After all, I can't guarantee your tastes are the same as mine." He follows her instructions.

"What are you doing?" I hiss.

"Saving my ass. If you're polite enough I might save yours too."

"It looks a lot like you're helping him make dinner."

"Watch," she says. "Right about now..."

"Oh dear," the troll rumbles. "I enjoyed that so much, thank you. But I've eaten all the soup."

Ruffian hums. "You'd better boil some water. Don't forget the ingredients I told you to put in. I've got an idea." The troll nods and disappears.

"Okay, he's gone," she says, glancing over at me. "Oh fuck, where did that drunk fairy go? We needed her!"

"Sounds like you're contradicting your earlier self," I say.

"Well, if the giant had seen her we'd be in huge trouble."

"Oh, was this just a pit stop?"

"I cannot believe this," she grumbles. "Now I'm forced to use that way earlier..." she continues her bemoaning as she twists her hands, reaching into her pocket as best she can. She draws out a nut and, stumbling upright, stamps on it.

"Hey, when did you get your feet untied?!" I ask. She ignores me.

"Oh, come on. Don't be a key, these things are ropes not handcuffs. What use is a fucking sword going to be to me if I need my tied hands to use-- oh. Well, that works I guess." She stretches, thanking the sword that--

"Hey. Was that a magic nut? The sword moved on its own. Where the hell would someone like you get one?"

"Yes it was, yes it did, and it's precisely because I'm someone like me that I got that nut. Robbers rob."

"Untie me."

She considers. "Actually, this might be a better arrangement." So saying, she picks me up and hoicks me over her shoulder again. I decide the best course of action is to preserve my dignity and refuse to say anything. She leaps off the the table, pushes open a small door set in a wall that I didn't notice before, and sets off at a jog.

My head bangs against the roof at every step she takes. I glower. It seems to take a ridiculously long time to get out into open air again.

"Hmmm," the ruffian hmms. It's annoying referring to her like that. In fact it's annoying referring to her at all. But no way am I asking her name. So, the Disgrace to Humanity looks up at the sky and sighs. "I gotta find shelter for the night in like ten minutes."

I grit my teeth. She's going to make me sleep. A whole night. On the forest floor. I will so totally kill her.

Some sort of annoying ringing goes off in her clothes. She swears, pulling out some weird deviece and frowning at it. Someone shouts at her. "Shut up, shut up," she hisses. The voice on the other end snaps a series of words at her. I have no idea what they mean, though. Some kind of code. My kidnapper mutters an "alright," and shoves the thing back into a pocket.

She drops me on the ground and massages her back. "Change of plans," she declares. "You and I have an urgent appointment with an idiot."