Desiderium

24| My Secret

A R A B E L L A

I got drunk.

Fuck. I woke up with the worst hangover. And slowly I started to recall yesterday's events. I got fucking drunk. I went out of control. I screwed up. Again.

All the anger that I felt yesterday was gradually coming back. I grabbed my sports clothes and ran to the gym downstairs where I could let my rage out on the punching bag.

I can't believe I got fucking drunk. I barely get drunk anymore. I wonder how many bottles of alcohol I consumed. Fucking hell. I feel like shit, just like I felt every time I got drunk two and a half years ago.

Since it was six in the morning so I doubt anyone was awake. They probably spend the whole night searching for me. I felt so fucking bad. I hate that they saw me in that state. So weak. So vulnerable. I was a goddamn mess. And they saw it all.

I wouldn't be surprised if they don't want anything to do with me anymore. Who would want a broken, alcoholic, and drug addict for a daughter or sister? No one. I don't even want myself, so how would someone else want me?

Without wrapping my hand, I start punching the bag with every emotion I still had trapped in me for years.

Punch.

'i promise, I will never leave you'

Punch.

'Pinky swear?'

Punch.

'Yes, pinky swear. I will always keep you safe and be by your side'

Punch.

'You are the best best friend I could ever ask for'

Punch.

"And you are the most amazing strictly-platonic soulmate I could ever imagine'

Punch.

'i love you, Noah bear'

Punch.

'i love you, Ella.'

Punch.

'Always and forever

Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch.

He broke the goddamn promise. He fucking left me. He died. He isn't here with me anymore. He isn't here by my side. He isn't here to protect me.

I haven't realized that my knuckles are bleeding till I heard the punching bad fell on the floor due to the force I was using. The loud thud bought me back to reality as the adrenaline started to wear off and the burning sensation of my fresh wounds started to appear.

"You should have wrapped your hands, Bambina." I heard Emilio's worried, soft voice.

"I am fine." I cleared my throat as I obviously grew awkward when I realized that all of them were watching me.

"Principessa, yesterday I thought it would be better to talk today. So we will be waiting for you in the living room." Papa told me. His voice hadn't changed. it was still warm whenever he talked to me.

"You don't have to tell us about your past if you arent ready. But we would like to know what happened yesterday." Leo added.

I sigh but nodded nevertheless before I went back to my room and cleaned myself up. They deserve to know at least what went on yesterday. But I wanted to tell them about my past. I trust them. I am ready.