Conditioning The Heart

C h a p t e r 24. Throwbacks and Trying Again🔙 🔄

~~Last year 1 day after the loss™️~~

It's really over. I mean last night when I went home and hung up a silver medal instead of a gold, it was over then. When I stood in line watching when the other team's captain received the banner as I tried to hold back my tears, it was over then.

When I went to bed, posting a photo of the team without calling us the champions it was over then. But it didn't hit then. It didn't seem real. It didn't feel like it was really over.

I felt like I could wake up and replay the game, this time making the final shot instead of choking. But I can't go back in time and fix it as much as I want to.

I go through the normal routines of my morning trying to convince myself that it's okay. Losing is a part of everyone's career. This will not be the end.

But it feels like the end. I know I'm being overdramatic and probably obsessing over nothing, but I really, really wanted that championship. The chance to play in the provincial championship would have been an amazing experience. I wanted to do it in my first year.

But that's not gonna happen now. Just because cause I choked.

I sit on the bus on the way to school and think about everything that could have gone different. I could have practiced more maybe, found some extra gym time to make sure my shot was perfect.

The bus stops in front of school and I get out of my seat almost running over some guy on the other side. I think he's on the guy's basketball team, probably a future captain next year from what I've heard.

I jerk back, giving him some space to move off the bus. He smiles gratefully and hops out of the bus. I think about that smile but push it out of my brain. It's not the focus now. It can't be, because I choked.

Numbly, I walk into school realizing I don't have any more school practices. No more fooling around in the change-room with Clarke, no more mentor moments with Raven. No more running till I feel like fainting, and no more pride when I look at the scoreboard and know the hard work paid off. No more winning.

I knew then I would do anything to win next year, to not feel this emptiness in my chest now knowing that I alone failed my team. I see Clarke and smile, we got this next year. We'll lead a team to the championship and nothing can or will stop us.

~~back to present times~~

I zone back into the world and Clarke is looking at me concerned but I smile and wave it off.

It hurts remembering how last year ended but I accepted that feeling. It took a lot of prayer and frustration but I know that I can't change it no matter what I do. All I could do is put the work in and accept the outcome. No matter how hard it is.

Nothing can get in the way, and as much as I love my friends I really need this championship to go my way. So no impromptu sleepovers instead of practicing, no watching Netflix until 2 am just because I want to. I need to take care of myself to make sure there are no excuses after the game for what I could have done better.

But eating lunch ad talking to my best friends is taking care of myself so I insert myself into the mini-debate.

"I know I'm an athlete and seeing someone being movie punched in the face should not be bad but still, I do not like it." Sam rants.

I smile at the simple topic. We watched a movie about a boxer in history today and I knew Sam would freak over the scenes later.

"Oh come on it's not that bad! I mean you know the guy's gonna win, if not the plot wouldn't work." I argue back.