diana carrow doesn't want to be bad, but it's all she's ever known. as she struggles with the power and darkness lurking inside of her, an eventful encounter the night before her final year at hogwarts changes everything.
(golden trio era)
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DIANA WAS AT WEIRD LIMBO IN HER LIFE, where she no longer felt the need to be completely and utterly heartless in order to make her pledge to the Dark Side that much easier, but was more scared than ever to be vulnerable. She had tried it once, and it had been awful. Now she was left with the feeling of a shard of glass cutting at her insides. It's edges had begun to dull, leaving no new cuts, but the old ones were still yet to heal.
This too meant more than ever she had no idea what was to happen to her and what to do. Her fate seemed sealed. She'd graduate Hogwarts, have Harrison as her betrothed and become a Death Eater, spending every minute of her time planning for the Dark Lord's return. She'd come to accept this, but that did not mean she wanted it. Everyday was much harder to get through, because everyday was a day nearer to that painful existence. She'd always felt miserable with life, but now she was hopeless too.
She thought about how she called Remus a coward, and she stood by that, he was a coward. He had thrown away everything they had over fear, but she had begun to think maybe she was a coward too. If she was brave enough, she'd risk it all and do the right thing, even if that resulted in her death. But that wasn't her. She wasn't brave in that way. She would always do what was easiest, whatever the consequences. The fear of fear was excruciating and if her experience with Remus had taught her anything, it was that putting yourself out there was not worth the pain.
It had been over a week since his rejection.
Many might have felt humiliated at being rejected, but Diana knew this had nothing to do with her. She knew Remus cared for her, wanted her. The only reason he wouldn't be with her was because the prejudice and judgment that might occur as a result. And his own lack of self-esteem of course. Diana on the other hand was the opposite. Her self-assurance was unfaltering and she knew many other men and women would do absolutely anything to have the chance to be with her. Heck, they'd do anything just to be allowed in her presence. The only problem was she didn't want them, she wanted Remus. Why he couldn't he just like her enough to risk it all?
Though none of her self-confidence was enough to make the heartbreak any lesser, especially since every time she was forced to see Remus it felt like a wound reopening. To make matters worse their distance grew more and more after every day, making the separation even more the difficult. No more meetings. No more anything. It was like the month prior when Diana had been the one to cancel their arrangement, but much worse for almost all contact was entirely ceased and she wasn't the one to decide it.
Remus seemed to be doing his absolute best to avoid her. If Diana was walking one way down the corridor, he'd walk the other. If she was on one side of the room, he would be on the opposite. In class he wouldn't as so much spare her a single glance, would never ask to her answer a question or participate. Even her attempts to hold his gaze would fail. It was as if she didn't exist, at least not to him.
