Retrograde▸bucky barnes

2. Hot Chocolate

Lena woke in a full sweat. The dreams always ended with her being strapped down. Or staring into terrified eyes before she pulled the trigger. Or worse yet, the horror in their faces as they realized she was not quite of this world. And then she would wake up screaming.

But they were getting better. Or at least that was what she had been telling herself the last few months.

Lena slipped out of bed, slipping her phone into the pocket of her baggy sweatpants, causing them to hang awkwardly on her hips. She padded to the kitchen to measure out coffee grounds. She considered that now, even just a few moments away from the edge of sleep, the memories faded, she could not quite recall them clearly. Only when she was asleep, when her brain lost control of itself did it have access to those memories.

Strange too , she thought, because in those days it was only ever in sleep that I could escape..

She filled the tea kettle with water, watching the birds outside squabble over nest building materials. It still felt unreal to be back in this city and so truly present. Like watching someone else, except this time it was her own life. She really did have it this time. And she had no idea where to start.

The therapist she was seeing kept telling her to do "normal person things" and so Lena had started with the routines she remembered from before. Coffee in the morning. Nothing else. But she had then figured that healthy people did eat breakfast, so she had added a toasted bagel to accompany the coffee.

But in establishing these routines, Lena found that her "normal" was still not quite right. "Normal" did not think warm thoughts and lay their hand on the tea kettle for it to begin steaming seconds later. "Normal" did not move across the kitchen to sift through mail and read the newspaper with such swiftness. "Normal" did not disrupt low quality radio signals when they walked past.

The therapist asked her if she wanted people to know.

"Know what?" Lena had asked.

"Know, about you. About who you are, what you've done."

"What kind of question is that? I don't even know what I've done."

"You know what I mean," the woman deadpanned.
"No. I want to live my life. A normal one. Whatever that means."

"Then do, just like we'd talked about, normal person things."

"But how can I," Lena said, her voice quivering ever so slightly, "normal people do not read fae lore and see themselves reflected so closely. They don't have electricity in them. They do not-"

"Then make that something you don't do. Yes, I know it seems counterintuitive. But make it a practice for the outside world. Like a little hat you put on. 'This is my normal person hat.' And then when you come here, or somewhere else you trust, you take it off."

Lena grinned, "So you're saying you want me to do this when I'm here?" She breathed deep and faded into shadow, still clearly visible if you knew she was there, but not so out of the corner of your eye.

The woman rolled her eyes, "Your, let's see what did you call it-"

"Liminal shift."

"Ah yes, liminal shift. That's not what I'm talking about. I think you know. Just keep your movement slow enough to match everyone else. Watch the electricity use. Watch other people. Just like your liminal shift, fade into their normalcy."

Lena blinked, bringing her back to the present, the coffee steeping on the kitchen counter, the letter in her hand addressed to "Miss Magdalena Lierens."

Frowning she ripped it open. It was an alumni letter, from a college she'd attended in the late 70's in a stint of freedom. How stupid she had been in those days to use her real name. And how they'd gotten her address she could not begin to dream. The letter welcomed her back from the Blip, wishing her well and asking if she would consider partnering with the university to fund part of the new buildings on campus. She smiled at it, recalling her time there, the happiest she had been. Little had she known they had just let her go because she had become too expensive to house. And that four years later they would bring her back.