Love You Enough

Nineteen

After remaining quiet for some time, the soft sound of Lindsey's lips pressing small loving kisses to various parts of her body the only thing disturbing the silence, Stevie managed to speak up again, eventually, "I guess I was wrong. Sleeping with you did make it worse." When Lindsey looked up at her, he saw tears glistening in those beautiful dark brown almond eyes, "After all that we just shared, I have no idea how to let you go, again."

Lindsey knew exactly what she was talking about, and somehow felt the strong need to let her know. "I feel just the same. You know that, right? Right, Stevie?", he asked when she didn't answer him, immediately.

"Do you, really?", she asked self-consciously.

"I can't believe you're seriously sitting here and questioning my feelings for you.", Lindsey said with a shake of his head and rolled off of her to sit up against the headboard. He looked offended.

"I'm not questioning your feelings for me. I do believe you when you say that you love me, it's just...", she trailed off, suddenly feeling slightly embarrassed for what she was about to say.

"Just what?", he wanted to know, "Talk to me."

"That-that connection we just had... what I just felt when we.... I've never, I mean, not with anyone else have I ever experienced this before. And I can't help but wonder, if you felt it, too? Is it the same for you? Or am I just going crazy?"

Lindsey needed a moment to answer her. He swallowed hard, then took a deep breath of air before speaking up, "I've felt this way from the very first time we had sex with each other."

"You did?", Stevie asked, genuinely surprised by his words.

"Why do you think did our break-up back in the 70s completely knock me out of my strike?", he asked in return and shot her a look, "You were the first woman I've ever slept with. I was so head over heels in love with you when it happened, I could hardly believe my luck. I can still remember how nervous I was, you were one year older than me and the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. But when it finally did happen, it was the most wonderful thing. I felt so in tune with you, I never knew a connection like that even existed. I felt understood, loved and completely seen by you, and in turn, felt as if you allowed me to take a look right into your soul, as well. But since you were my first, and I never slept with anyone else until you broke up with me, I actually thought that that was just what sex felt like, you know. That it was perfectly normal.", Lindsey sighed and shrugged his shoulders, "Imagine the disappointment I felt when I had to find out that that was not the case."

Stevie stared at him for a long moment as the weight of his words slowly started to sink in. His answer awoke a whole series of different emotions within her she couldn't even  identify all at once. One single tear slid down the side of her face, when she finally managed to speak up again, "God, Lindsey, what do we do, now?"

Lindsey sighed and sat up against the headboard before replying, "Now, I will have to make some decisions."

His words surprised Stevie. Her heart suddenly beat a little faster inside her chest and she turned her head to look at him, "What does that mean?"

Lindsey needed a moment to answer her, "The things we just shared tonight, well, they changed a couple things for me. There was a lot of stuff I didn't know about. I want to be honest with you, Steph, I, umm," he took a deep breath before continuing, "I want to choose you. There is absolutely no doubt that my heart wants you, that I still love you. I want to be brave, just take the plunge and risk it but... I am terrified it's going to end the same way it did so many times before."

Stevie swallowed hard, "You don't trust me, anymore."

She had spoken out the sad truth here. This was the root of all their problems - their major trust issues. Years of turmoil had destroyed what they had built during their time together as a couple before joining the band. Back then, their bond had been so strong, no friends, no financial problems, not even their parents with all their doubts and constant wake-up calls had ever been able to break it. But now, many years later, they stood in front of the broken pieces of their undying love for each other, willing, yes, but unable to put the pieces back together.

"I want to but it's not easy.", he admitted with a shake of his head. Stevie nodded slowly. Of course, she understood where he was coming from, but that didn't make his statement hurt any less. "You know, the thing is, this isn't the first time you're promising me a life together. We've been here before. I put everything on hold for you, broke up my relationship, was willing to do anything just to be with you. I jumped off the cliff, totally sure that you would be there to catch me, because that's what you promised me, right? But you weren't there. You didn't catch me, Stevie, you let me fall and crash on the ground. You didn't even stay to help me pick up the pieces, no, you just... left." Stevie didn't dare to interrupt him when he went on, "So, is staying with Kristen the safe choice? Absolutely. Do I love her the same way I love you? No. I don't think I've ever loved any woman as much as I still love you. I don't even think I've ever wanted to let anybody get that close to me, ever again, because, you know what, Stevie?! It hurts too much, when they leave."

Stevie bit down on her bottom lip, silent tears were running down her cheeks as she listened to Lindsey's very hurtful, but sadly, very truthful words. She honestly didn't know what to answer him, so she chose to keep her mouth shut. But apparently, Lindsey didn't expect any reply from her, as he continued, "Are you aware just how many hours of therapy it took me to accept the fact that you didn't want me, anymore? I don't know, if you even have the slightest idea, just how much you destroyed me. I know I told you this before, but this is the reason why I left the band in 1987. I just couldn't bear being close to you, anymore, knowing that you didn't want to be with me while I was still hopelessly in love with you. Watching you destroy yourself with drugs, and not being able to do anything to help you because you didn't want any help. And then," Lindsey went on, finally getting everything out of his system after keeping it to himself for such a long time, "when your parents called me to help you get off of Klonopin, and you were finally clean for the first time in many years, and I started to see the wonderful young woman I once fell in love with again, promising me a future together, even a family, you went and snatched it away, again. I broke up with Cheri, drove all the way to rehab to come and get you, and you announced you're not ready, yet. That you changed your mind, that you needed time to find out what you really wanted, as if you didn't have fifteen years to figure that out. Fucking Christ, Stevie, I helped you pee on the fucking toilet, I showered you, held your hair back while you threw up. I mean, it basically felt like 1982 all over again, when you promised me just the same wonderful future together after Robin had just died, and you slept next to me every single night while we were on tour, and I had to come up with the most horrendous excuses to keep Carol away. I kept my eyes on you at all times because I was terrified you might overdose, if I left you alone for longer than a couple seconds. And then, after we came back home, you just disappeared. For months, I didn't hear a peep from you. I called our friends, your family, I even made a complete fool of myself and called Jimmy and asked him if he had any idea where you were hiding, only to find out that you rather chose to marry Kim fucking Anderson. That should have been me, Stevie. Me!", he shouted the last words right into her face while pointing at himself. He was so angry. "Can you imagine what that must have felt like? To find out that you decided to marry him?! After all the promises you made, all the sweet loving things we told each other, you went and hurt me in a way that was beyond anything I could have ever imagined. And so, yes, you're right. I love you but I don't trust you, anymore."