Love You Enough

Twenty-One

Before the plane had touched down at LAX, Stevie's mind was quite made up. When everyone started to gather their things and walked out of the plane, she dawdled over packing her books and nailpolish into her bag, always keeping one eye on Lindsey who seemed to take longer than needed as well. For a moment, she wondered if he had the same thing on his mind, but her thoughts got interrupted by Karen who sighed loudly behind her to let Stevie know she wanted to get home.

"Are you coming, or...?", her assistant asked slightly impatient.

"Umm, can you give me a second, Karen?", Stevie whispered in a hushed voice, "I have to talk to Lindsey for a minute. Just, umm, take Sula and go say goodbye to the others. I'll be there shortly."

Karen shot Stevie a curious look but obeyed without further questions, shrugged, then took the small dog from her boss before walking outside. When Stevie turned around, she realized that her and Lindsey were indeed the only two people left on the plane, everybody else had already gone to meet their loved ones waiting at the arrival gate.

She looked up and when her eyes settled on Lindsey's handsome face, she realized that he was staring right back at her. None of them said a word as they gazed deeply into each other's eyes, their bodies only seperated by three rows of seats between them. Stevie swallowed hard to keep herself from bursting into tears once again, but when her bottom lip started to tremble slightly, Lindsey was quick to walk up to her and pull her small body against his own.

A soft whimper escaped Stevie's lips before she wrapped both her arms around him to pull him even closer. With her face buried in the crook of his neck and her eyes shielded from his intense stare, she felt brave enough to speak up, "I-I'm so sorry, Linds. What I said last night... I-"

She heard a warm, almost relieved sigh coming from Lindsey, his hold around her tightening ever so slightly before he interrupted her stuttered apology, "No, I am sorry. I ruined our whole last night together by bringing up things from our past that I should be over by now."

But Stevie shook her head, "You just wanted to explain to me why it's hard for you to trust me but I just took it as an attack and a reason to say all these nasty things to you."

"I could have said these things differently," Lindsey argued, "I completely lashed out at you, even screamed at you. It was completely unnecessary."

Stevie lifted her head to look up at him, "I spent the whole night wishing you'd come back to me."

"And I spent the whole night contemplating if I should.", Lindsey admitted with a sad smile, "But after leaving the way you did, I wasn't sure if you even wanted to see me, again."

Tears trailed down the sides of her face as she shook her head vehemently, "Of course, I did. I love you." Now, she could see that Lindsey was fighting his feelings as well, his beautiful blue eyes were swimming in tears. "We did so much worse than that, Linds. And here I am, 45 years later, still hopelessy in love with you."

A pained sound emitted from the back of his throat in response to her words, and he buried his face in her long golden hair, "I love you, too. More than anything."

"God, why does this feel like a goodbye?", Stevie said with a shake of her head while she held onto him.

"Do you want this to be a goodbye?", Lindsey asked back and lifted his head to meet her eyes.

"No.", she was quick to reply, "Just the thought of you going back to your wife tonight, imagining the two of you in bed together, is making me nauseous."

"Stevie, that doesn't mean I'm going to have sex with her."

"Oh, good god, I might be in love with you, Lindsey, but I'm not that naive. She is a beautiful, much younger woman than I am. She is your wife and the mother of your children, and the two of you haven't seen each other in months, of course, you're going to have sex with her tonight."

Lindsey closed his eyes for a second, trying to keep his voice as calm and collected as possible when he answered, "Did you not listen to a word I told you? She and I haven't had sex in... god knows how long."

"What does that even mean, 'god knows how long'?", Stevie asked back, her voice having that shrill edge to it that let him know she was at the verge of losing it at any moment now, "Do you want to know what that means for me?! Ten years, Lindsey. Ten years!"

What was he supposed to say after that? Of course, it had not been that long for him. Her facial expression was full of pain and he could clearly see just how distressed she really was. He took a moment to answer her, trying to imagine being in her skin for a second, what it would be like if she was the one returning to her significant other with whom she had three kids while he was going home to... well, nothing, really. What it would feel like to know that she was going to go to bed with another man tonight, after all the things they had shared with each other just a couple hours ago. A deep, raging feeling of jealousy overcame him almost instantly, and he knew it would absolutely kill him. "What if I promised you I won't be sleeping with her?" The words had left his mouth without really thinking them through, a desperate attempt to soothe the crying woman in front of him.

"Oh god, please don't promise me something like that.", Stevie sobbed and shook her head vehemently, while she held onto his leather jacket with both hands, "Don't give me any false hope. I swear I can't take it."

"Jesus, Steph! What the hell do you want from me?", Lindsey exploded all of a sudden, "No matter what I say, no matter what I do, you won't believe me anyway."

"Fuck's sake, I was so stupid for letting this happen," Stevie mumbled more to herself than to him really, freed herself out of his embrace and slumbed down in one of the plane seats where she buried her head in her hands, "This is absolutely destroying me, already, and we haven't even left this fucking plane, yet."

Lindsey gave her a moment to herself before he walked up to her and squatted down to be at the same eye level, taking both of her small hands in his and bringing them up to his lips to kiss softly. When she looked up at him, she could see that he was fighting tears as well, "Lindsey, I love you so much. So fucking much, it hurts."

Lindsey nodded understandingly, "I feel just the same. This is not easy for me either, I don't want to be apart from you."

"Then, please, by all means, put an end to this torture for the both of us and make a goddamn decision.", Stevie said, "I know this isn't easy, I know you have severe trust issues when it comes to me, I know I have hurt you more times than I can even count but, Linds, this right here, this is even worse." Lindsey nodded in response but didn't say a word, so Stevie continued, "I can't be your mistress any longer. I just can't. No matter how often you tell me that you and Kristen have drifted apart, she is still your wife. And at the end of the day, she is still the one you come home to.", Stevie took in a shaking breath of air, and when she eventually managed to speak up again, her voice cracked slightly, "I want to be your home."

"So, is this what you really want? To try, again?", Lindsey asked, his eyes looking at her intently, "No more fooling around but a real relationship with me?"

Stevie nodded silently, tears trailing down the sides of her face until she finally found her voice back, "Last night, you told me that you want to choose me. That there is absolutely no doubt that your heart still wants me, that you still love me but that you're terrified I'm going to leave and break your heart, again. I know I'm asking a lot of you, that there is so much more at stake for you than there is for me. And I know that considering our past, I actually don't even have the slightest right to even ask that of you in the first place, to break apart the family you wanted for so long, but, Linds, it's me. It's us. And I would never forgive myself, if I didn't fight for what I wanted. So, I will ask you to take the plunge, to jump off the cliff, to risk it. Just one more time, for me, for us. Because I love you and I will make you happy this time. I know I haven't been the most trustworthy person to walk this planet, I know that we've hurt each other in ways most people could not even imagine, but if you decide to choose me, I promise you, I'm not going to leave you, again."

Apparently, her words had hit a sore point for Lindsey. He had closed his eyes and was shaking his head slowly, almost as if he couldn't believe she had actually just said that.

"Take your time.", Stevie said softly and reached out to caress the side of his face, "Take as much time as you need. Go back home and try to figure out what you really, wholeheartedly want. Then, make a decision. No matter, what that might look like."