Soft Robotics ✧ Bucky Barnes

(malfunction[1.30]);

How was it possible to fall in love with someone from afar? I didn't understand. Wasn't time supposed to heal? Not make the longing worse?

Just looking at him was giving me real, physical chest pains. I tried to move so that Bruce's head would block my view of Bucky across the room. I couldn't stop stealing glances at him, and if we made eye contact one more time, I was going to combust. I tilted my head toward my shoulder and inched over to get Bruce's head in exactly the right position to shield me from Bucky.

"Why are you moving like that?" Bruce asked.

"Like what?" I replied innocently.

"Like an alien that's pretending to know how to stand around talking to a human."

"Well, I accidentally on purpose begged Bucky to come to this stupid dinner, and now he's here, and I didn't think it through, and now he looks so miserable, but so hot, like he should be on the cover of one of those drug store romance novels, probably one about a rugged mountain man who, like, lives off the land and chops a lot of wood and other sexy mountain stuff, but then he comes to the city and meets—"

"—Grace, I'm really looking forward to this sentence being over. Is that going to happen anytime soon, or?"

"—And anyway, now I need you to block him from my view so I can stop being an alien."

Bruce turned to look at him. I grabbed his shoulder and spun him back around in a panic. "Don't look at him! What are you, insane? What's wrong with you?"

Bruce just seemed amused by me. "He looks normal to me. Maybe even more brooding and aloof than normal. Is that what you're into?"

"Yes!"

"Tonight's gonna be a real problem for you, then."

"I want him to have a good time, though. Should I go over there? Shit, he's looking. He's gonna know we're talking about him."

"How would he—"

"Quick, laugh like I said something really funny."

"I don't want to—"

"Switch sides with me, then!"

Bruce laughed for real, turning around as I moved to the other side of him so my back was to Bucky. "Grace, just go talk to him. This is dumb."

"Is he still looking at me?"

"No—wait, yes, he glanced at you. Now Steve's there."

"Oh, god. Not that son of a bitch. Steve Rogers, you god damn son of a bitch."

"I didn't know you had so much animosity there."

"Unsolicited wingman," I explained, sneaking a glance to see him still talking to Bucky. I just knew they were talking about me. "Anyway, how's that yoga class going?"

When people started sitting down for dinner, I went for Bucky as fast as I could, taking the seat to his left. I didn't want him to get stuck next to somebody that would make the night even worse for him. I was already starting to feel bad for convincing him to come. I motioned for Steve to sit on the other side of him, so no one would be close enough to make him small talk the whole time.

"I'm sorry," I muttered to Bucky as everyone else was regaled with a War Machine story. "I feel really bad for convincing you to come to this. I didn't think it through or I would've realized how much you'd hate it."

He put his metal hand over mine in my lap and squeezed it gently. "Don't feel bad," he muttered back. "I knew what I was agreeing to."

I put my other hand on top of his and played with his fingers anxiously until the food came out and the conversations around us died down just a little.

I felt better when dinner was over and the drinking picked up. Relief started to wash over me as my face heated up and my body relaxed after several glasses of wine.

When people began to migrate from the table to an area of couches and chairs to sit down, I tugged on Bucky's hand to get his attention. He leaned down, lips tilted up in the most handsome, charming way I'd ever seen. "What is it, doll?"

"Do you wanna go to the roof instead?"

"I can't fuck you, baby, you're drunk."

"I didn't mean to fuck me!"

He shushed me through a laugh, glancing around to make sure no one heard me.

"God," I continued. "And I'm not drunk. I just thought we could look at the city and avoid everyone, but since you want to keep your mind in the gutter—"

"That sounds nice," Bucky amended. "Let's go."

If anyone noticed us leaving, they didn't say anything. We took a stairwell up to the roof. I leaned my elbows onto the edge of the concrete barrier and looked out at the city like I'd wanted. But when he wrapped his arms around me, I melted into Bucky instead, leaning against him like he was a wall.

We stood there in silence for a long while before I spoke.

"James?" Extra serious.

"Yeah?" he asked it low and breathy, like he was scared of what I was about to say.

"I never had sex with Colin," I told him.

That apparently wasn't what he'd been expecting. He exhaled a laugh, sounding relieved that that was all I had to say. "Why are you telling me that?"

"Thought you might be sad about it. And I don't like it when you're sad. And I don't wanna have sex with anyone except you."

He kissed the top of my head, but didn't reply.

"James?"

"Yeah, doll?" He sounded less nervous this time.

"The reason why I don't like it when you're sad is because I love you."

"I know you do, baby." He hesitated. "I love you too."

"James?"

"Just say what you're gonna say, doll. I know. Extra serious."

"That doesn't change anything, does it? That you love me?"

"No, it doesn't."

"Why not?"

He sighed. "Let's talk about this another time. You've been drinking."

I turned to look at him. "Please just explain it to me now. Please."

"Grace..." He sounded nervous again. "I've done things you don't understand, really. I've hurt people. I've killed people. And you brush it off like it's nothing, but it's not. It's not nothing."

"I don't mean to brush it off like it's nothing." My eyes were filled with tears that I tried to contain. "I'm sorry I made you feel like I was doing that."

"I'm sorry," he said. "You don't deserve this. I don't deserve you."

"Yes you do." I was crying then. Maybe I was a little drunk. He pulled me back into him and he let me cry, stroking my hair, holding me against his chest, repeating the same apologies.

His fingers tapped against my back in comfort.

1, 2, 3, 4. 1, 2, 3, 4. 1, 2, 3, 4. 1, 2, 3, 4.

A/N: im sorry omg