Retribution [H.S]

20*

tw // violence and guns please keep yourself safe when reading this chapter

Harry Styles

Scribbling through the pages of the old and tatty journal I use for my songs and poems and random lines of inspiration, I huffed out an exaggerated sigh and threw it to the ground in frustration. I looked at it laying dormant for a moment, pondering the worn and cracked leather spine that somehow held together all the pages that contained the inner workings of my soul and my brain.

I had one line of inspiration for a song, one measly line, and I couldn't put anything with it. Nothing seemed good enough, nothing I wrote down could encompass the way that she made me feel.

That meant what I felt had to be tangible, and her whole essence was anything but. Layla was like the mist that seeps through the depths of a dark and cold jungle floor, you can see that its there, you can feel the effects from it, but you can't capture it. You can't hold it in your hands, you can't touch it, and yet you are surrounded by it all, standing helpless amongst the directionless white mist while you can't fathom a possible way out.

How could I write a song about that? How could I ever put into words that made sense, how she made me feel?

I thought about our night at the park, the both of us sat with tangled legs, high as kites under a large oak tree for hours that drifted well past midnight. I remember a brief moment where she lay looking at the faintness of the stars, they had that fuzzy glow around them that faded into the night sky. I always loved that. I remember a single tear threatening to fall, I watched her so intently. I never said a word, but I watched the vulnerability bubbling beneath the surface as she refused to let it out. She was almost human, almost tangible, but just like the iridescent mist that cloaks the jungle floor it slipped through the cracks of my fingers, dissipating in front of me.

I bent down to pick up my beloved journal, and ran my fingers slowly over the weathered pages, how this thing was still bound together I'll never know. I tossed it to one side of my bed, and pressed my palms flat against the temples of my head, I was so fucking tired.

I'd had another nightmare last night, nothing like the one I had a few weeks ago, but it was still scary nonetheless. I remember being lost in the dark somewhere, tripping over my own large clumsy feet. I was stranded in a place I couldn't see, I remember sweating profusely and the thumping of my heart being the only sound I could hear, until her voice came again. Calling my name and carrying through the dark like a beacon of hope for my safety. There were two female voices, coaxing me towards them. One menacing, one calm. I didn't know which way to go, I just pushed forward through the darkness until I felt the ground crumble beneath me and I jolted up right in bed, sweating and breathing faster than ever.

That was hours ago, and I could still feel the effects from it now. That's the thing about the nightmares that I have, they're so vivid it's like it really happened, hard to disassociate it from reality sometimes.

Louis had tried convincing me to have a PlayStation afternoon with him, Niall had tried to get me to help him learn a new song and Liam tried to distract me by helping him pick a girl on Tinder to go out with. I had no energy for any of it, I made an excuse to be left alone. Niall gave me a knowing look, one that said 'I know pal, you'll be alright, take some time.' So that's what I did. I've been sat in my room all day, recovering from the sweaty nightmare and what it all meant.

I'd been sat laying on my bed, staring at the ceiling with my music playing for what felt like hours. It was only when the song was changing and it was quiet for a brief moment that I could hear all the boys in the living room laughing and bickering with each other. I smiled softly to myself at the thought of them, maybe I should get up and stop sulking. I was about to move when I heard my phone chime from the bedside table next to me. Rolling onto my side, I propped myself up onto my elbow and picked up the phone to check the message.