Flakes of Tears

Episode 22

Episode 22

Guilt

"Mama... Wala na si Papa... Ano nang gagawin natin?"

I found myself looking at a corner with my younger brother Ron, who was equally perplexed. Brielle's incessant queries to my mother, who was also looking blankly, could be heard.

I had no choice but to go because Mom was not responding. It was as though she had lost her motive for living. She wasn't sobbing, but she wasn't saying anything either. And... I had to be tough. Ako ang ate. Responsibilidad ko ang pamilya ko.

Pa'no naman kaming mga anak niya? Hindi pa ba 'yun sapat para maging dahilan niya para mabuhay?

"Condolence sa inyo, Blanche," sabi ng mga kaklase kong dumating sa burol ni Papa.

Nahihiya akong nagpasalamat sa pagdating nila. I could also see Lero and Michelle in one corner while staring at me. They had also been close to my father and I know that they are grieving too.

My father died only three days ago, and tomorrow is the last day of his wake. Hindi na namin siya pina-cremate dahil sobrang mahal daw. I tried asking the elders but my mind couldn't process everything that's happening.

Hindi na rin kasi namin kaya ang gastusin sa pagbibigay ng sopas at soft drinks sa mga bisita. Kasama pa ang mga babayaran sa ospital at mga utang namin. Uutang kami para mabayaran ang isa pang utang. Nagtambakan na lahat.

Pesteng buhay 'to.

When the clock strikes midnight, the majority of our visitors have fallen asleep. Most of them are either Papa's jeepney driver buddies or Mama's other friends. I don't think we'll have any relatives with us because their parents didn't care when Mama and Papa married young. Sabi ay bumukod na raw sila at 'wag magpakitang muli.

It was harsh since parents are supposed to be present for their children. They were also just youngsters when they chose to stick by each other through thick and thin. Parents must guide their children. But what exactly did they do? They turned away from them.

At alam ko ang pakiramdam ng ganoon kasi ganyan din ang ginagawa ni Mama ngayon.

Lumabas muna ako pagkatapos kong magligpit ng mga kalat. I could see my siblings sleeping peacefully on a couch here in St. Peters chapels. Naka-aircon naman kaya sigurado akong mahimbing ang tulog nila.

Si Mama ay hindi ko alam kung nasaan. Wala na rin akong paki.

I got a box of cigarettes from my pocket before sitting at the nearest gutter. Nilabas ko rin ang lighter ko at unti-unting sinindihan 'yon. Ibubuga ko na sana ang usok nang may umagaw no'n sa bibig ko.

"Ano ba'ng ginagawa mo sa buhay mo Blanche?!" malakas na sigaw ni Lero. I rolled my eyes at him. Napapagod na 'kong makipag-usap sa kahit sino.

"Ibalik mo, babe. Isa lang naman, eh." Kahit boyfriend ko siya wala siyang naitutulong sa sitwasyon ko. Drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes was my only way to cope up for now. Ano ba'ng gusto nila? Maglaslas na 'ko?! Ni wala ngang lumalabas na luha sa pagod kong mga mata!

"No. Don't be hard on yourself, Blanche."

"Ano ba! Umuwi ka na nga sa inyo!"

He was taken aback by the manner I yelled at him. I never yelled as loudly as I could since I was not reared in that manner. However, seeing grief in his eyes for a little time made me feel guilty.

Why am I pushing away everyone? Ako ba talaga ang dahilan kung bakit hindi pa nagsasalita si Mama at baon kami ng utang ngayon? Ako ba talaga ang may kasalanan kung bakit nadamay ang sampung tao sa pagkamatay ni Papa? Dahil ba hindi ako mabait na anak?