Courting Victory | Oikawa | Iwaizumi | OC | Split-Routes | Haikyuu

CH12 - Nightmare

Trigger warning: mention of death, cheating, depression, feeling alone, self-loathing

~Celeste's POV

"Won't you tell her?" Mother spoke indignantly.

"Asami, please, this is my only request to you. You can say anything else but that." Aunty Eri pleaded.

"So you're alright with taking that to your grave? Keep her in the dark for the rest of her life?"

"If that is what it takes then I'll gladly die with that knowledge."

"Well aren't you woeful. You make a mistake and you are afraid to face it." Mother looked at Papa with a disappointed look and asked "I reckon you agree with her decision?"

He did not answer and so she gave out a cynical and frustrated laugh. "You won't even look at me anymore. Was I the one at fault then?"

I was standing quietly by the window, my presence overlooked as mother continued to speak in exasperation about something I could not understand. Aunty Eri on the other hand was weakly seated on the hospital bed, wires attached to her frail body.

Papa was unusually quiet and neither of the three seem to not want to acknowledge me. Finally tired of being ignored I spoke up with an slightly irritated voice. "I can't comprehend anything. Please enlighten me."

Just as I spoke the last word the tense in the room grew tenfold. Mother let out an exasperated sigh and faced me with unmasked tormented look.

"Do you want to know why I divorced your father? Why I never bothered to make amends with what you'd call my 'shortcomings' as your 'mother'?"

"Asami. Stop." Aunty Eri pleaded, pain evident in her eyes as tears streamed down her sunken cheeks. My father seemed so conflicted.

"Please, consider the consequences." He begged.

"Consider the consequences?" Mother raised a brow and darkly laughed. "Funny how you say that. You know, I have always been loyal to you both. I did not deserve your betrayal."

"How many times do we have to apologize for that?!"

I looked to my mother and saw her fist shake as her nails dug deep on her palm.

Confused, I asked, "What did you mean by betrayal?"

She turned towards with determination in her sharp eyes. I could not help but feel I shouldn't have asked. "16 years ago, your father cheated on me."

My eyes widened at her statement and Papa sighed heavily.

"Do you know who your father's lover is?" She tilted her head to the side, her next words in great affliction. "My lovely sister."

My throat tightened and I looked at Aunty Eri in horror. No.

This can't be right. 

Papa loved my mom.

They would never.

I desperately yearned for a different narrative. Perhaps papa could explain it. 

Barely a whisper, I mustered what little strength I had "Papa?" He shook his head as if in regret for his treachery and I stared at him dumbfounded.

As I battled with the truth, I was not prepared for the venom-laced words mother uttered next.

"And to add insult to injury, they had you."

Papa's remorseful expression was more than enough to knock out the oxygen I didn't even realize I was holding in and the air felt heavier as I struggled to speak.

I stared in horror, my mind trapped in a labyrinth of despair as I relentlessly search for the elusive trail that could probably lead me to a different circumstance.

Anything but the agonizing truth that has already clung to my skin like disease.

Cheated. Lover. Sister. 16 years ago.

One by one the words struck me in punishment.

'They had you.'

So it has all been a lie.

My father whom I have always looked up to, lied and cheated. No wonder mother -rather Aunt Asami hated me. If I was in her shoes I would despise myself too.

I was an accident, unwanted, illegitimate. I wasn't supposed to be born, heck I wasn't even supposed to exist. To make matters worst, my real mother only had a short time to live.

Cruel. This world is cruel. 

Fate is cruel.

Before I realized it, I was already outside the hospital running away from it all.

I ran and ran, not once did I stop. I kept at it not knowing where to go, still I did not cease. My legs were immensely in pain yet I did not bother to pause.

Run, keep running. My lungs were being crushed by exhaustion but even more so by millions of emotions that threatened to suffocate me, as agony twisted its unforgiving hands at my throat.

I felt suffocated.

One by one, tears fell from my eyes, and my vision slowly hazed. Yet, I kept running, despairingly hoping to outpace the waves of torment that will surely drown me. Soon enough I was met by a downpour as if the sky wanted to express its empathy.

Cry with me then, won't you? The rain fell heavier and I toppled to a grass field, a sob escaped as I hugged my knees. My body was cold but I felt like I was burning.

Though my mind was in disarray, a devious lone voice chanted words that shattered my world. I was the the result of an adultery and Aunty Asami despised me for it. She could never love me, and the other family member whom I felt could give me the motherly love I sought was going to die. The one I believed to be my aunt, my birth mother, was going to perish.

I clutched my shirt tightly as I gasped for air, head pounding hard. Horrible thoughts ran through it and terrifying voices crept in my brain. 

I was afraid of those demons. They were telling me loathsome words and my heart felt even heavier from the weight of the inconceivable truth as it drove me to madness.

I felt myself fall apart and my fragmented self yearned for someone to hold me together lest I loose my sanity.

Someone, please. I need someone.

Tooru. Hajime.

My fingers trembled in urgency as I dialed a number. The desperation I felt intensified with every ring, and my mind heavy with frantic plea. Please answer.

The call forwarded to a voicemail que. I bit my lip hard and dialed another number, willing the universe to answer my desperate appeal. Please.

Each ring reverberated and seemed to echo the same dejected heartbeat as the call goes unanswered. I let out a careful breath, willing myself to calm as I opened our chatroom box only to see a message sent an hour ago.

'We lost.'

Two words that carried a weight of crushing sadness and burden. Only two words but they were heavy with disappointment. Two simple words yet mighty enough to destroy their dreams. 

They could no longer go to Nationals. This was it, last chance lost.

Lost.  Much like how I was. 

I felt so lost and conflicted as I laid my back on the grass and blinked through the rain. They, too, were suffering. I could not possibly burden my best friends. They had their own demons to battle, and I need to brave out and face my own. 

I clutched my phone tightly with quivering hands as if it was my only lifeline as I sunk deeper into the abyss.

Not able to hold back my emotions any longer, I cried hard. Wasn't crying supposed to make one feel better? Well whoever said that lied. I felt exhausted and devastated.

I cried hard in agony, not caring at all. The park were devoid of people anyway and I was the only one there. 

I was alone.