Tut tut! Here I am, once again, looking into the window pane, shaking my head as Andy roughly fucks Robert Pattinson on the hot sand. "Why is there never anyone else on the beach?" I ask, curious as to why someone like Andy hasn't yet been caught for public indecency.
I sip my tea and smack my lips. No, oh, no no, I am not getting off to this at all--rather, I am contemplating, calmly, as I cope with this new weight on my shoulders: the truth.
I turn back around to my living room/kitchen/bathroom/study, to the pictures hanging all around, connected with yarn. Many even include baby pictures of Andy, not for any particular reason. I raise three fingers to my chin, studying these carefully, hoping it may reveal something profound.
"Very full diaper, indeed."
I walk over now to the computer--a dinosaur desktop--the light from the single desk lamp illuminating my features--especially the prominent cheekbones--as I come closer to the screen, which shows Audrey's screen as she writes her fanfiction in real time--a hacking trick I learned from a number of Indian scammers in my youth when I went on my trek to Bangladesh.
"Robert gets fucked by Andy. It is so hot. On the beach. Hot like, sexy. Not temperature. Robert holds him in his embrace afterwards. He smells like aftershave. His oxford is torn from the primal sexual rage Andy was sent into. Then they have an orgy."
By god! My eyebrows shoot up. First, peering again out the window, Robert does now hold Andy in his embrace in the sand. Second, an orgy is four people, at least. How is she going to pull this off? I let my head fall back so I may look to the ceiling, afraid of the oncoming storm.
Who would it be? Lewis, the town mayor? Linus, the man who eats from the trash? George!?
These boys were surely going to have prolapsed anuses from all the anal sex! I worried for their safety.
I hold my head in my hands, praying to our god and savior Martha Stewart, too much knowledge in my heavy mind.
But what was there for me to do?
YOU ARE READING
The Ultimate Emo Crossover
Humor"The problem is: we're both bottoms, dude. Fuck, how is this gonna work?" Andy Biersack, renowned emo and lead singer of Black Veil Brides, parts the seas in a homicidal rage and stumbles onto the shores of Stardew Valley, where he meets resident e...
