The Ultimate Emo Crossover

Caterpillar Sweet Talkin'

"I still don't understand why you had to watch us have an orgy," Andy says, genuinely confused.

Elliot is silent. "I'm beginning to ask myself that."

"I'm sorry for..." Robert trails off, "Ejaculating onto you."

"Don't worry about it, dear boy. After all, some would pay money for that..." he sighs, alerting Robert he wouldn't have been one of them.

Robin is smoking and drinking coffee over the newspaper at the kitchen table. Cracking sounds emanate from under her feet every time she shifts around due to all the loose trash. She turns her head when she hears the boys come upstairs, as they step on various toothbrushes and bottle caps.

"Oy! Ye boys were dun there a long tiem. Must be uh rechord. Oh! And there's uh fifth--!"

Elliot walks straight over to Robin and takes her hands in his. "Miss, it is an absolute pleasure to meet the woman of the household. I am Elliot."

Robin is taken aback, looking up at Elliot.

She blushes. "Crikey, aren't ye a looker..." she looks him up and down. "I like my mein big...and black...and there's something about ye..."

"I'm sure they are all banging down your down, young lady."

Robin takes one of her hands out of his grasp to fan herself.

"Oh my fucking god," Sebastian whines.

Right then, Demetrius walks in with his coffee. He pauses, newspaper under his arm. "Hello boys. Robin, who's this?"

"Elliot, sir," he walks over confidently to Demetrius and shakes his hand. "And you must be Demetrius, the biologist!"

"Indeed I am," he shakes Elliot's hand back, a little suspicious.

"Let me just say I truly believe biologists to be an underrated people. My, you work harder than anybody in the valley! Without you, it might all collapse. I've recently noticed the citheronia regalis caterpillar is no longer endangered but flourishing around the valley!"

Demetrius blinks. "You noticed that?"

"Indeed--and it is thanks to you."

Demetrius nods, still sizing Elliot up, trying to figure out if this is an act.

He relaxes, smiles, then pats Elliot on the arm. "You're welcome here anytime, Elliot," then, he glares at the other boys.

"Elliot, let's fucking go," Sebastian bitches.

Outside, Elliot leads the way to the beach. Robert Pattinson and Andy tense as they approach, since it was the place where it all began. Robert gazes up at the sky in thought.

"Say, Taylor, how was it that you arrived here?"

Taylor Lautner cringes, "I'm not sure if I want to talk about it--"

"Found him in the corn field trying to shove them up his ass." Sebastian interjects.

Robert looks up, thinking. "Okay, but what about before that?"

"That's the last thing I remember."

A beat. "Right," says Robert.

The four stand in front of Elliot's decrepit shack as he unlocks the door. It looks as if he hasn't taken care of it for weeks. Part of the roof is caved in, and a gutter swings back and forth in the ocean breeze.

Elliot swings the door open and the boys hesitate before walking in. They just gawk instead.

It was all beyond their comprehension--the photos all over the wall, including ones of Andy as a baby, all tied together with string, the computer, still tuned into Omegle as a group of little boys yelled at the screen "TITS NOW!!" The writing sprawled on the wall in black sharpie, what looked to be headshots of each and every one of them hung up, their names printed above them, and photos, a little too large, of a number of sexual encounters.

"Okay but why do you have measurements of all our dick sizes?" Sebastian says, referring to the chart on the wall.

Andy is the first one to finally step forward, inside, looking around in wonder.

"Enough evidence for you?" asks Elliot.

Andy nods, hesitantly. "I was hoping you were just crazy," he sizes Elliot up once again, wishing he'd change already.

"I'm merely a man who knows too much," Elliot clasps his hands together.

Andy stands in the middle of the room looking helpless. He still hasn't showered. He weakly throws his arms up. "Okay. Where do we go from here?"

Elliot picks up his small glasses and slips them over his nose. "I'm glad you asked. Come in, come in boys." They do as he says, Taylor closing the door behind them to the sea air. It becomes quiet. The shit bucket odor has nowhere to escape to. All eyes are on Elliot.

Elliot unravels a large map on the table in the middle of his shack. It is of Rhun, from Lord of the Rings.

"We must leave this place. We must prepare for a journey. The next VansTour is coming soon, and we must make it in time. Andy, you must find the girl and talk to her. It is the only way."

"And what if we just kill her instead?" Sebastian jumps in.

"Dear..." Robert sighs.

Andy nods slowly, still ignoring everybody but Elliot and his words. "I'm willing to do whatever it takes...I need to get back. My fans need me. My band needs me. And I can't keep bottoming like this."

"Don't you have a wife, as well?" Robert frowns.

"Oh yeah, her too I guess."

Robert blinks.

Taylor sighs. "I do have a photo shoot coming up. Guess I should hit the road too."

"God you're stupid..." Robert mumbles, then takes Taylor's hand lovingly.

"It won't be any old road trip, boys. This will be painstaking. You must prepare yourselves." Elliot nods, "I will be your guide."

Sebastian rolls his eyes. "I don't even need to go to this," he says, like it's a sip n' paint event, "I live here."

"Well, dear boy," Elliot takes his glasses off, putting them in his shirt pocket. "If you really do care for Andy, I think you'll come along."

Sebastian freezes, and as the seconds pass, his reddening face becomes obvious.

Andy watches him, looking like he doesn't expect anything from Sebastian. "You only fucked me because Audrey wrote us like that. It's okay, Seb, you don't have to come."

Sebastian looks up, hurt, tears in his eyes. "I meant every pump, you bitch."

Andy perks up as Sebastian walks over and puts a hand to Andy's cheek. "These past few weeks have been the most fun of my fucking life. It doesn't end here. Andy--I'm your biggest fan." Sebastian pulls up his sleeve to reveal a "Andy Biersack" scar carved into his arm from years ago.

Andy gasps as if it's an engagement ring.

"I'll go with you to the ends of the fucking Earth."

Andy throws his arms around Sebastian as the rest look on.

"Gay," says the kid on Elliot's Omegle screen, wearing an Elmo hat.