Smoke

1.5

I don't love you
But I always will.
[Poison and wine by The Civil Wars]

- - -

We live in a world full of heartbreak, regret, and lust. Sounds pretty sucky right? Yes love exists but it's so rare some don't believe in it, but I do I believe that love exists but only the most luckiest of people get it. I believe love is beautiful, kind, oh but it isn't mine. I do think that I loved Jack maybe I still do but it isn't the movie screen love it's tough love, maybe Jack still loves me but not in the way I loved him maybe he'll never love me like that.

My mom went on vacation with Susan in California, of course they invited me but I denied the offer I told them I needed some alone time my mother understood after all that's happened so she agreed to it. They left yesterday at 7:30AM, Chris and my mother have been dating for three months now I was proud of them.

Jack has came by four times after I saw him with Amanda, I never opened the door I couldn't find it in me. I think he feels bad mostly I don't blame him I'd feel pretty sucky if I was him too.

*Knock, knock*

I let out a heavy sigh and snuggled deeper into the couch trying to focus on the movie playing,

*Knock, knock*

I keep my attention on Edward Cullen sparkling and Bella Swan gushing over him.

*Knock, knock, knock*

"Go away!" I shout

"Can we at least talk!" Jack shouts back " Five minutes please!"

I let off a puff of air and drag myself to the door pulling it open, I keep my eyes on the ground it's quiet enough to hear a pin drop.

"I'm sorry." Jack breathes out "I'm so terribly, miserably, sorry." He sighs

"Okay," I say flicking my eyes up to his.

He looks bad, he has dark bags under his eyes and his lips are chapped his hairs messy, yet he still looks good. He walks inside closing the door behind him.

"Winter, please" He begs

"Please what! Please forgive you? I'm sorry Jack but no I can't!" I yell out frustrated "Now go back to Amanda because I don't want you! I hate you" I scream
[LISTEN TO Halo by Ane Brun ft Linnea Olsson PLEASE]

"I hate you to! I hate you in every way! But I also love you in every way! I don't understand this I don't want to want you but I do! I want you so badly but in the most beautiful way!" he screams back "And I have no clue way I'm being such a dick but I am being one and I can't stop no matter how badly I want to! I just keep hurt you and I hate it." He yells

"I don't want you! I don't want you in anyway!" I lie

"I think we both know that's a lie!" He shouts "I see it in the way you look at me! I bet I get under your skin, I bet you think about me every second of every day but you want me, you want me so bad!"

"I hate you!" I scream.

My back comes in contact with a wall and his lips are on mine desperately, forcefully, beautifully. I melt under his touch molding into his tall frame, my hands cling to his hair pressing his lips harder onto mine. My heads spinning, heart racing, stomach twisting. In most beautiful of ways, everything happens in a blur of emotion. Sparks - no fireworks seem to be exploding everywhere everything seems so hot and cold, mostly hot. He pulls away breathing wildly, our breathing is tangled together. His forehead stays against mine his nose brushing mine, in that moment that split second I forget. I forget abut what happened, I forget about Amanda Everything.

"That was wrong wasn't it?" He asks

"Very." I breathe.

He chuckles under his breath, I slowly pull my hands out of his hair untangling myself from him.
I hate him, I hate him, I love him.
I keep my eyes focused on his not daring to turn away, he keeps opening and closing his mouth like he wants to say something but stops himself.

"How?" He asks "How can I prove myself to you?"