Competition

Chapter 30- Realizations

Y/N

I fell asleep to images of Lou and memories flooding into my mind. Her face would infiltrate each thought that would come into my head. She filled every space that was in my brain till nothing else was left, but her.

I had forgotten the reason why I was staying away from her when I woke up. I couldn't remember the thing that was holding me back in the first place. It was no longer prevalent to me.

I then got a flash flood of feelings that came into my brain in waves, almost knocking me over. The dread of how I shoved Lou away from me. I had given up on us before I was willing to admit to myself. The reason I wasn't able to talk to Lou was because I was not ready to face the fact that I had ended everything. I was the cause of all the pain that both of us were enduring at the moment.

I was ashamed of myself. I wished I wasn't like this, from the very beginning when I would run away from all of my problems. Now, it led to the breaking of not just one heart. I didn't mean for Lou to get caught in my own mess, but it happened that way.

I paced back and forth in my house, circling over the options I had. I wanted to run into Lou's arms and say how sorry I was for my recklessness and my coldness, in hopes that she would forgive me. Debbie said that Lou still wanted me so the results would most likely be positive.

I could not say anything, and let Lou live happily to find someone else. Someone that wouldn't bring so much garbage into her life. I hated that I had done this. It was one thing to ruin my life, but I didn't want hers to be stuck intertwined in my disastrous life.

I treaded on the brink of wanted her and wanting her to be happy. Was there a possibility that both could happen? Probably not. Not with me.

Maybe in another universe, where I had my life together. In a place where Debbie hadn't been jealous. The world where Debbie was already happy with Tammy, and I with Lou. In the place where all the stars aligned just right so that everyone was joyous and blissful.

But this was not that universe, this was New York, in the midst of October. The place where the wind would knock your papers out of your hand if you did not hold them tight enough. The city where business men came to scam their way to the top and use those beneath them. I unfortunately lived in the time and place where Debbie had been jealous, and she did interfere with me and Lou. Twice. And I was the one who had ruined my own relationship. The one thing that truly made my life devine. I pushed Lou away and I regretted it, but I knew things would have been this way no matter what.

The problem wasn't Lou. It wasn't Debbie. It was me.

I did love Lou very much. I loved her with all of my heart. I wanted to glide my fingers along the sides of her cheeks and watch her grin the way she did when we would wake up together at her townhouse.

I missed those days together. I wished to go back. To see her so happy again, and I was happy too. Maybe we could have a chance. A future. Would it last?

I kept fighting with myself. The war in my mind was not letting up and I could not focus on anything else. It was consuming me and I allowed it to take over my whole body.

I could envision the enchantment that would be my life with Lou. Our lives would be transformed to an unending utopia.

I could also see the opportunities of failure with each turn in my life and in Lou's. One thing could set off an effect of sadness and solitude. And I didn't want to hurt Lou more than I already have.

I wasted all of my day just thinking about what could be my life either with or without Lou. Since it was evening now, I walked around the block and found some food to eat. I went to my old club and sat down at the abandoned bar where everything started.

This was the place where I found the feeling of living my life because of Lou. I ate my food in silence and hung my head low. There were only a few chairs left in the building and the lights were spotty since the lamps had been taken out already.

I looked to the front door and remembered the first time Lou walked in, and how she had gotten a beer. I didn't like beer at the time and I still don't, but what else do you order at a bar when you don't plan on being there long.

My eyes became watery and my heart could not cope with the pain of not having her by my side anymore. I wanted the best for her and the best for myself. The problem was that right and wrong was now a fine line that I could not find.

One thing was clear though, I loved her so much that she should know that. I'm not sure if she does or if she thinks I quit loving her, but I have loved her since the first time I saw her. And that would never fade away.

I walked back home after finishing my meal and the fall season breezes wrapped around my body. It was a cold hug that cuddled me and led me back to the safety of my house.

I checked my mail because I had neglected to do anything productive for the past few days. I flipped through the envelopes, bills, junk mail, more bills. There were so many things I needed to take care of. I needed to step up and be an adult, tend to my utilities, but something else caught my eye as I rummaged through the mail. A letter from Lou.

~Authors note: omg I was reading through this chapter w the song to look for mistakes and I read the last sentence right as Harry sang "we'll be alright" like the first big ending one. I just thought it was cool lol.