Dying Wish

[22]

Birds woke me up. A nest was probably nearby. Could've been on the branches reaching for my window. I sat up with pinched eyes, desperate to keep the sun beams out of the back of my skull. Falling back into bed was tempting, but useless. I was lucky to get any sleep at all. Trying to get more took luck I was lacking.

Still, the decision to stay awake was difficult. The fatigue left me groggy. I lowered my feet onto the carpet, felt the soft tickle of the fibers on my toes and braced my eye sockets with the base of my palms. Blinded, I leaned forward. The moment I did this, "Woah!" A shove forced me back. By the time I got my eyes open to make sense of this unexpected assault, I was pinned. The press on my collarbone continued. The mattress buckled around my hips.

Inside, outside, it never mattered. Shorts and a sleeveless top was Alice's reply to the summer heat sweeping the region. Such was the case last night. She wore thin black shorts and a thin white top. Those same clothes and that body hovered over me now.

"Your hair," I said. "Alice, you haven't slept."

She lifted her face and spat, "I can't sleep. Usually, that's a choice. Last night, I tried and tried but it was no good. Know whose fault that is? You never answered me, Gray." Her lips lowered inches from mine. "Why?"

"I told you," I said. "It was a test."

That did nothing to unknot her brow.

I looked beyond her. To the ceiling.

"But that's not what you were asking about, was it? You want to know why I said those things knowing it was a test? What that was for. I guess I wanted to see for myself how we'd do. Did I trust you enough not to compare the numbers? Did you trust me enough to realize the manipulation? I'm different from you, Alice. Weaker. You jump in. That coin makes you the embodiment of something people spend their whole lives running from. Something they hate and fear. And yet, you don't take it personally. You fight to protect that coin. You kill for it, this thankless job. And you give such beautiful meaning to what it represents. Even if you are a placeholder, Alice. Even if it's for some wish in your heart, you've done something I could've never done. Me, I run. But the more I'm around you, the less I want to be like that. Thinking things through every now and again, that's the most I can do to help you. It's all the strength I have. It's really not much, but I made my choice. I wanted to know if you saw all that in me... I wanted to believe that could be enough for you..."

My body began to malfunction. First, my eyes blurred from the buildup of tears. The stinging liquid ran down my cheeks. And there was no stopping it. Believe me, I tried as hard as I could. The harder I pinched my face, though, the faster the tears flowed. I palmed my eye sockets again, this time to push down the tears. My chest flew up and free from her body. I couldn't breathe. I started to tremble.

Then finally, I heard it. My father's voice, telling me, "I told you so." Was he right about me?

Was he right about everything? I felt like I was going insane.

I screamed so loud and so long. Until the sound faded. And all you could hear thereafter was me, panting. Slower and slower, I regained control. I wiped my eyes, cleared my throat and I stood. Yeah, I wobbled, but I planted my feet and gulped down the pain. I moved toward the door, more alone than I'd ever felt. Which was good. Great, actually. Because in the end, I decided, all you really have in this twisted life is yourself. Your will. Connection is a fraud.

Just as I was sure of this, a voice said to me, "You're cruel, you know that?"

Fingers snagged my clothes.

"And you're wrong."

My watery eyes popped. Had she read my mind? I turned.

Body propped up by one arm, head down, Alice clung to me of all people. Her grip was so tight, exactly how you'd hang on to a rope at the edge of the world. "About me," she said. "You are. I wish I was all that. I wish I could be all the things you think I am. I'd give anything for that. But I'm not. Those things you said last night, Gray, that's me. You were right. I have been lying to you, Gray."