One Night in Desert

أربعة

Bill

After sending my sick leave notice via email to my company, nag google ako ng lugar kung saan di pinupuntahan masyado ng mga tao, booked a room for myself for two nights. Wala akong ini-expect masyado sa lugar, but it was beautiful. The beach resort is quite, at konti lang ang tao dahil off season, they served a delicious food. I stayed near the shore and I find this place calming my messy brain. Kahit panandalian lang. I wish I can bring this peaceful ambiance with me when I go back to my reality.

Huminga ako ng malalim. Is it like that? That we ended something because you got tired of each other? Walang klarong dahilan kung bakit pinili ng mga magulang ko ang isuko ang isa't isa pagkatapos ng ilang taon. Ilang taon. At ilang taon bago mo malalaman na hindi kayo ang magkasama sa dulo.

I sleep late at dusk, doing nothing but sitting on the shore, starting at sea, listening to the ripples of the ocean. And wake up late at noon and doing the same thing I did yesterday. On my last day at the resort, I roam around, swim in the sea. I enjoyed being alone without thinking that much. May mga guest din naman sa resort na naliligo, and I like the idea that we all have our privacy, and not minding other people.

Nakapamewang si Mandy at mataray na tiningnan ako. Kakauwi nya lang galing work.

" Saan ka nagpunta? "

" Somewhere? "

" Tinatanong ko yung lugar, hindi yung manghuhula ako kung saan. "

" Sa..."
Nagdabog ito na kumuha ng beer sa fridge. Hindi man lang nya ako inalok.

" Hindi mo ako sinama. "

Ngumiti ako kahit alanganin. " Busy ka. Ayaw kitang istorbuhin. "

Inirapan lang ako. " Kahit na...may nangyari ba? Bigla kang nag mia after ng dinner mo with your parents. "

" Magdi-divorce parents ko. "
Masakit pa rin na nanggaling mismo sa bibig ko. At least di ako naiyak.

Tumango tango ito at tahimik na nilagok yung beer. " Masakit sa pakiramdam diba? Pero kailangan mong tanggapin yung desisyon nila. "

" Anong pakiramdam mo ng sinabi sayo ng ama mo na magdi-divorce sila. "
Mandy's parents are happy with different people and creating their own family, without her. That's why Mandy decided to live in an apartment our company provided for their employee.

" I felt betrayed? I was mad that I had run away from everyone for a month. And during those days, I realized I can't stay that way or else I will never be at peace? I will never be happy because of bitterness in my head and heart. So I let them do what they want. They're old enough to choose that decision, they know what is right and I only wish nothing but their happiness. I can't be selfish Nade because if I do that, my parents will be miserable. And me. "

" Did you feel neglected that they are making another family, without you? "

" I feel that from time to time, I can't avoid that. Pero iniisip ko nalang na okay na, at least masaya sila sa ibang tao kesa sa isa't isa na hindi na maganda yung takbo ng relasyon nila. Magkakasakitan lang sila kung mananatili sila sa mahabang panahon . Ayoko nun. "

Tumango ako. Kahit papaano ay naintindihan ko ang sinabi ni Mandy. Hindi mo kayang makita ang mahal mo sa bahay na nagkakasakitan at hindi na masaya.

" Paano ka nag move on? "

Umiling ito at mapait na ngumiti. " Never ako naka move on na wala na, hindi na buo ang pamilya ko. Hinayaan ko lang, inintindi ko at tinanggap na masaya na sila sa iba. Sapat na sa akin na masaya ang daddy ko sa bago nitong asawa at ganun din sa mommy ko. They even invited me to their wedding, but I decline. Though I accepted what happened - I just don't want to get involved with any of them. I don't know. I can't explain. Even though I'm their daughter, I want them to do what they want without me. I'm a grown-up adult already so I can take care of myself now. "

Siguro lahat tayo ay iba iba yung opinyon tungkol sa ibang bagay, ibang paraan kung paano din natin intindihin, ibang paraan kung paano tayo magpatuloy, ibang desisyon kung mananatili ka ba o magpapatuloy.

Pero paano ko tanggapin at magpatuloy.

" Wag mo pilitin ang sarili mo na intintindihin o tanggapin. Sa ngayon mahirap yan. Hayaan mo muna. Darating din yung araw na masasagot lahat ng tanong mo...ng kusa. "

Hindi ako umimik. Ganun ba yun?

Hinayaan ko muna yung feelings na yun sa isang tabi at nagpatuloy sa buhay. I exhausted myself to forget. Ang ginagawa ko araw araw ay paulit ulit lang na hindi ko namalayan ang paglipas ng bawat araw. Madalas din akong overtime para matutulog nalang ako pag uwi.

' Your birthday is coming, I bought you a condo as gift. '

Ilang beses kong tinitigan ang mensahe ni daddy at hindi ko alam kung anong isasagot ko. Wala. Blanko ang utak ko. My mom texted me, asking what I want for my birthday, and again, I can't find myself to response to any messages. What I want for my birthday? Being alone. Gusto kong mag isa sa araw na yun. So I made a list of what to do on that day.

When my birthday came, I shopped for a new dress and shoes, I watched movie alone, and eat pizza after. And eat my dinner at my favorite restaurant...alone. May iilan na napapasulyap sa akin - marahil nagtataka kung bakit mag isa lang ako kumakain. Himdi ko mapigilan ang hindi umirap. Never ba sila nakakita ng babae na kumakain mag isa? I can be with myself, alone. I even took a selfie just to have a souvenir for this year. Kahit papano nakalimutan ko ang nagpapagulo sa isip ko kahit ngayong araw lang. Nilingon ko ang kumukutitap na ilaw ng syudad mula dito sa taas ng resto - at natawa ako ng bahagya. Nakakatawa lang na hinintay mo ng buong taon ang buong araw na to tapos isang araw lang lilipas lang din. Dahil bukas ay iba na. But I'm glad this day came without a chaos or something. Last year kasi nagtalo sila kung magpa-party ba o just a dinner at a resto like this. Kaya nga sabi ko pa kay mommy nun na next time wag na magplano para di ma-stress, na nangyari naman this year. I don't know if Mandy remembers my birthday because I haven't seen her yet since she spends her days with her boyfriend. I turned my phone to airplane mode just to have peace today.

Tinawag ko ang waiter and ask my bill. Salubong ang kilay ko na hinanap ang pwesto ng lalaking matiim na nakatingin sa akin. He...paid for my food and I can't accept that. I can afford my bills and it is not just about my pride but I don't know him. Well, he's the guy I slept with but still I don't know him. Dala ang wallet ko ay pinuntahan ko ito, tiningnan ang resibo na nasa mesa nito at ng masiguro na yun ang babayaran ko - kumuha ako ng pera sa wallet at nilagay sa harap nya kasama ng resibo. Binalikan ko ang mga gamit ko at walang imik na umalis. Hindi ko pinansin ang waitress na nakatayo sa gilid na palipat lipat ng tingin sa aming dalawa. Like...do I care?